WASHINGTON D.C – Following Thursday’s vote to repeal net neutrality laws in the US, FCC chairman Ajit Pai is set for celebration. Continue reading “Following FCC Vote, Ajit Pai and Bobby Jindal Hit The Town With Chai Tea Lattes”
WASHINGTON D.C – FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, who in less than 10 days will push for the removal of net neutrality consumer protections, has dominated the headlines to the displeasure of everybody. Continue reading “Ajit Pai Tackles Net Neutrality To Prove He Didn’t Peak In Middle School”
Written By Rani Shah
November 11th, 2017
ROCHESTER, MN – Medical professionals and scientists at the Mayo Clinic recently concluded their 15-year linguistics study concerning American speech patterns.
“After more than a decade of research, we’ve come up short in terms of finding an answer,” says Dr. Vinaya Joshi, “Test after test we see Mary Poppins’ ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ being sung perfectly but as soon as we ask our white subjects to pronounce their coworker’s name it’s game over. Names like ‘Arti‘ and ‘Abhijeet‘ seem to light up parts of the brain usually associated with confusion.”
Fuss Class News (FCN) inquired about this sudden shift in linguistics. For decades we’ve seen foods such as quesadilla, jalapeno, mozzarella, linguine, prosciutto, or kombucha be seamlessly used and pronounced correctly in mainstream American conversation.
Not just foods, but names such as Schwarzenegger, Tchaikovsky, or McConaughey are household name spoken with ease.
We inquired with Dr. Joshi about this ‘selective pronunciation’ phenomenon.
She responded, “That’s essentially the basis of the study, we wanted to understand why ‘Nikhil’ becomes nickel or how ‘Kinnari’ becomes canary – even after being corrected multiple times it’s as if it’s not registering.”
Dr. Joshi’s associate, Dr. Rakesh Tiwari added, “My advice? Just name your kid Raj.”
Written by Rani Shah
October 16th, 2017
NEW YORK CITY, NY – As wedding season comes to a close, Brians and Madisons everywhere are floored by the spectacle that is a traditional Indian wedding.
NYU’s Anthropology Dean, Smita Rao, explains this phenomenon, “In the early 90’s we definitely saw a surge of White Americans attending South Asian weddings. Now with the prevalence of social media and the Bollywood dance craze exposing more of Indian culture, it’s like white people have never seen colors in their life before.”
While 4-5 days of wedding events and guest lists averaging at 400 guests/event at South Asian weddings is staggering in itself, researchers claim that merely seeing a man with glitter on his outfit will get white people going for months.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. The colors. I mean everyone was wearing a different color. I saw pink. I saw blue. I saw parrot green. I didn’t even know these existed.” raved Brian Applebaum, “I was medically diagnosed as colorblind before attending Aakash’s wedding to be quite honest.”
“I wear a tan cardigan to work every day,” added Madison Applebaum, “After Aakash’s color bender I’m considering wearing something exotic instead – perhaps a polka dotted cardigan.”
[Originally published in Brown Girl Magazine]
WASHINGTON D.C – As tensions with North Korea and the United States continue to rise, President Trump has taken it upon himself rearrange U.S. Department of Defense by firing yet another cabinet member, General James Mattis. Continue reading “Trump Appoints Sholay’s Gabbar Singh As U.S. Secretary of Defense”
BALTIMORE, MD – With the 18th wedding this summer, Blaze, the white stallion, has endured another summer spent on a black tar, suburban parking lot. Continue reading “Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.”
LAS VEGAS, NV – The waiter had finished naming off the Chef’s Specials and asked the table if they needed a few minutes before beginning their drink order. Continue reading “Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner”