Category: Science

Scientists Stumped: White People Able To Sing ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’; Continue Mispronouncing South Asian First Names

Written By Rani Shah

November 11th, 2017


ROCHESTER, MN – Medical professionals and scientists at the Mayo Clinic recently concluded their 15-year linguistics study concerning American speech patterns.

“After more than a decade of research, we’ve come up short in terms of finding an answer,” says Dr. Vinaya Joshi, “Test after test we see Mary Poppins’ ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ being sung perfectly but as soon as we ask our white subjects to pronounce their coworker’s name it’s game over.  Names like ‘Arti‘ and ‘Abhijeet‘ seem to light up parts of the brain usually associated with confusion.”

Fuss Class News (FCN) inquired about this sudden shift in linguistics. For decades we’ve seen foods such as quesadilla, jalapeno, mozzarella, linguine, prosciutto, or kombucha be seamlessly used and pronounced correctly in mainstream American conversation.

Not just foods, but names such as Schwarzenegger, Tchaikovsky, or McConaughey are household name spoken with ease.

We inquired with Dr. Joshi about this ‘selective pronunciation’ phenomenon.

She responded, “That’s essentially the basis of the study, we wanted to understand why ‘Nikhil’ becomes nickel or how ‘Kinnari’ becomes canary – even after being corrected multiple times it’s as if it’s not registering.”

Dr. Joshi’s associate, Dr. Rakesh Tiwari added, “My advice? Just name your kid Raj.”


[ReadWhite Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

Studies Show White People Will Never Be Able To Stop Talking About How Colorful Indian Weddings Are.

Written by Rani Shah

October 16th, 2017


NEW YORK CITY, NY – As wedding season comes to a close, Brians and Madisons everywhere are floored by the spectacle that is a traditional Indian wedding.

NYU’s Anthropology Dean, Smita Rao, explains this phenomenon, “In the early 90’s we definitely saw a surge of White Americans attending South Asian weddings. Now with the prevalence of social media and the Bollywood dance craze exposing more of Indian culture, it’s like white people have never seen colors in their life before.”

While 4-5 days of wedding events and guest lists averaging at 400 guests/event at South Asian weddings is staggering in itself, researchers claim that merely seeing a man with glitter on his outfit will get white people going for months.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. The colors. I mean everyone was wearing a different color. I saw pink. I saw blue. I saw parrot green. I didn’t even know these existed.” raved Brian Applebaum, “I was medically diagnosed as colorblind before attending Aakash’s wedding to be quite honest.”

“I wear a tan cardigan to work every day,” added Madison Applebaum, “After Aakash’s color bender I’m considering wearing something exotic instead – perhaps a polka dotted cardigan.”

[ReadWhite Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ Found To Be Primary Reason For Wedding Reception Attendance

Written by Rani Shah

July 6th, 2017

panjabi mc

LONDON, EN – With wedding season in North America reaching its peak during the summer months, researchers have honed in on patterns occurring at most Indian-American weddings.

After attending dozens of ‘small’ weddings consisting of 400 – 600 people, sociologists from Oxford University think they’ve cracked the case behind the human cognitive science of attending events.

Prior to 2003, it was found that close to 65% of all wedding invitees actually attended the wedding reception and stayed towards the end. Post-2003, however, researchers noticed an unnatural spike in wedding reception attendance. Almost 90% of invitees were showing up to receptions.

“It’s like all of a sudden people enjoyed wedding receptions or something,” says Deepti Chopra, a Fuss Class Analyst, “Nothing notable changed, there was still free food, free booze, and single men/women – so why this sudden spike?”

What researchers failed to acknowledge was the rise of popular bhangra song, Mundian To Bach Ke by Panjabi MC, occurring in 2003. The team at Oxford University discovered this correlation between increase in wedding reception attendance and Mundian To Bach Ke after attending their 6th wedding this summer.

“Almost as if a switch was flipped, the crowd goes from drab to fab when this song comes on,” describes Justin George, a Ph.D student from Oxford, “We noticed how the first 2 seconds of this song leads to a 50% increase in dance crowd size at receptions. Can you blame them? The song is just so damn good.”

After crunching the numbers, the Oxford team finally concluded that Mundian To Bach Ke is the primary cause of more guests wanting to attend the weddings of their shitty friends or distant, irrelevant cousins.

“The song is the perfect mix of ethnic and familiar,” explains Deepti Chopra, “Traditional enough for the older crowd and non-threatening enough for white people – it’s a win-win.”

[Read: White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

Study Shows Indian/Pakistani Drama Soundtracks May Cause Anxiety Disorders

Written by Akshay Patel

December 23rd, 2016

BETHESDA, MD – Ever come home for winter break after a stressful bout of finals awaiting a stress free environment filled with Pani Puri and Bollywood classics only to be greeted by your Dadi (grandmother) watching the most dramatic sounding drama ever produced?

Well, you’re not alone. Recently, researchers at the NIH have discovered a strong correlation between hearing the soundtracks played during dramatic scenes on modern Indian/Pakistani dramas and the manifestation of anxiety disorder among South Asian youth.

“It’s a common problem as these scenes have become very long.” stated Dr. Patel. “Just the other day I saw an episode of Saraswatichandra and the camera panned from Auntie to Dadi to Dada, and back to Auntie – only to continue the cycle repeatedly for two minutes.”

Dr. Patel recommends taking preventative measures to reduce the effects. “There are always the options of lowering the volume or changing the channel, but if all else fails do not be afraid to tell your grandparents something drastic in order to catch their attention and eventually turn off the TV – like telling them that you’re dating a white person.”

Scientists Discover Indian Cooking Method Which Leaves No Trace of Smell On Clothing

Written by Rani Shah

December 23rd, 2016

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists at the University of Chicago’s Olfactory Department have discovered an unprecedented method for cooking Indian food earlier this week – one that essentially guarantees no residual smells on clothing after a family dinner.

The cooking technique, commonly called the “The Fan Method”, involves turning the exhaust fan on while cooking a meal – something many families are currently not aware of.

“It’s awesome, my white friends have finally stopped making fun of me on the bus”, says local 4th grader, Raj Shah.

In extreme cases, such as when frying puri or fish, scientists urge homeowners to purchase two exhaust fans and alert their children to donate all their remaining clothing to Goodwill.