Listen, I’ve eaten your rotis, even when the daal had just a touch too much salt. I’ve taken your thappads and obediently did math problems while all my other friends played outside in the summers. What I’m trying to say is that most of my life I’ve been your good beta.
I wore Om necklaces, string bracelets, and even went to school once with a classic red dot on my forehead (very clearly indicating I’m not the feather kind of Indian) because your protection was offered. Mummi, I don’t tell you this
often at all, but I love you.
However, I’m 25 and I refuse to unblock you on Facebook or send you my resume just so your “magical” online biodata generator can spit you a PDF to share with the world. Yes, I’m sure Padmashree is a wholesome woman who is into cooking and building a family and sure, she even enjoys Carnatic singing – but like is she the type to sit with “sweatpants, hair tied, chillin’ with no makeup on?” Because those girls are the prettiest, I hope that you don’t take it wrong. In short, I need someone who actually understands me.
And I’m sure Pammi aunty has like ten women who would love to get married immediately and they’re all great in their own respects but aren’t we rushing into things here? I understand you were married by the time you were my age and traveled across the world to where we are now. But as fast as this world is moving, we’re slowing down. How about this? I’ll send you my biodata – the way it truly represents me:
Name: Ashish Yamdagni
Skin: Wheatish Complexion
Occupation: Not a doctor. Not an engineer.
Bio: I enjoy drinking and partying. I can’t dance but will try. I draw and write and play video games every now and then. I rap all the time – Kanye may or may not be my spirit animal. I love texting people incessantly and spend little time doing things I don’t like. I work in entertainment, and I’ll never make enough to afford more than the classic Toyota Camry, but I’m happy doing what I love. I can even cook a few things… like tacos.
I’m sure Pammi aunty isn’t going to have the right Padmashree for me with that biodata. But Mummi, we watched DDLJ together. You know I’ll find my Simran, who will fall in love with me and not this hyper-specific formal version of what we incorrectly value.
Trust me. It will be fine. Just chill, yaar.
Your still kinda-good beta,
Written by Ashish Yamdagni
July 14th, 2018
[Read next: 7 Ways To Be A True ‘Handsome Brown Guy’]
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