MUMBAI, MH – As Bollywood fever hits the mainstream U.S. media, an unsurprising duo has connected for their next big project.Continue reading “Salman Khan and Chris Brown Partner To Remake Classic, ‘Maine Pyar Aur Punch Kiya’”
Written by Rani Shah
June 15th, 2017
SUBURBIA, USA – “You looked better with long hair betaaaa,” cooed the various aunties circled around 25-year-old Sanjana Soni, “And so thin! My oh my, are you eating nowadays? This is too thin!”
“I love my hair short,” nervously laughed Ms. Soni, “Fits my personality better, plus my neck doesn’t get all sweaty!”
The auntie mob clicked their tongues and nodded their heads in disapproval, it was wedding season and they were concerned with how short hair will look while wearing a sari or legenga choli – outfits that Ms. Soni wore twice a year.
With occurrences like this happening at a shocking rate of twice per family party and/or wedding, the board of the Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) has been scrambling to maintain their image.
“Back in the 90’s we were known to keep the peace and only judge when young girls weren’t feminine enough,” explains DAAA President, Sunita Auntie, “But the aunties of this generation are a hitting it where it hurts, we’re talking fat shaming, skinny shaming, career shaming, haircut shaming, the list is never ending!”
“Just last week we had to reprimand a member for judging a guest at a wedding for pursuing graphic design and not dentistry – we’re afraid this behavior will sink the DAAA’s approval rating and will result in a funding cut.” says DAAA VP, Jyoti Auntie.
The DAAA’s funding source is primarily Zee TV and Kellyanne Conway’s personal bank account.
As the auntie mob surrounding Ms. Soni continued, she quickly checked into her flight, made sure it was indeed a one-way ticket, and tucked her short hair behind her ear.
SUGAR LAND, TX – From the various trophies on their fireplace mantle to the wall full of framed certificates, the Gurusamy residence is no stranger to academic excellence. Continue reading “Token Golden Child, Vidya G., Actually Neighborhood’s Most Profitable Pot Dealer”
Written by Sona Desai
April 14th, 2017
SEATTLE, WA – Wholesaler Amazon has noted sudden shortages of the bindi, a traditional embellishment worn by Indian women. Fuss Class Analysts note that it’s difficult to know whether this shortage is due to music festival Coachella happening this weekend or the upcoming Indian wedding season.
Seasoned Coachella-goer Emily Jenkins voiced her enthusiasm over bindis, “I brought these stickers to Burning Man, and everyone loved them! Also, my yoga instructor, Celeste, wears one all the time. I feel like I was Indian in another life.”
Second generation Indian-American and Seattle native, Deepa Nayar admits the shortage has left her confused and annoyed.
“It’s pretty weird. As a teenager, my non-Indian friends made fun of my chutney sandwiches, funky looking Indian chappals, and the smell of incense burning in my house”, mentions Miss Nayar, “now I see those same people taking these elements of my culture to make a basic-ass statement. I can’t believe Amazon is SOLD OUT OF BINDI’S! Not looking forward to another wedding of Jigisha auntie whispering about how I’m ‘out of touch with the culture’”
Amazon teams have noted customer complaints like Deepa’s and have offered free temporary Om tattoos in lieu of all unfulfilled bindi orders.
RICHMOND, VA – After grabbing lunch at her local South Indian diner, Balaji Express, Tania Reddy was more than satisfied with her meal. Continue reading “Local Woman’s Fingers Remain Stained 18 Days After Eating Dosa”
Written by Rani Shah
March 8th, 2017
BALTIMORE, MD – March 8th celebrates International Women’s Day, a day of conversation and appreciation surrounding the topics of gender equality, women’s safety, and equal opportunities.
As Mr. Sandeep Amin sat down at the family dining table, he opened up that morning’s edition of the Washington Post and began reading about local events taking place in honor of International Women’s Day.
“See this, always respect women!”, Mr. Amin told his son sitting across the table, “It is always about respecting your mother and sister. Remember that.”
24 year old Harsh Amin silently nodded in agreement as he tweeted, “#HappyInternationalWomensDay”
As Mr. Amin and Harsh sat at the table, Mrs. Indu Amin was frantically making roti and stirring daal in the kitchen. She had gotten out of work 30 minutes late that day and knew how Mr. Amin’s temperament got if dinner wasn’t served before 7 p.m.
She placed the plates and the bowls of food on the table – “Finally! I was so hungry. Why has this taken so long for you lately?”, exclaimed Mr. Amin.
Harsh eyed the plates on the table and goes, “Mom – why did you make this daal again? I don’t want it again, just pass me the rice.”
“Where is your sister?”, asked Mrs. Amin, “PAYAL! Come down. Dinner!”
As 18 year old Payal Amin rushed downstairs, Mrs. Amin begins to go off, “Why didn’t you do the dishes yesterday? Look at the sink!”
“I was studying for my AP Exams”, responded Payal as she looked over at her brother Harsh who still lived at home and her father who didn’t know how to iron a shirt or make rice for himself, both quietly eating.
“Dude stop wearing yoga pants all the time – they’re too tight”, remarked Harsh.
Payal sat down at the dinner table as Harsh checked his phone to see how many people had favorited his tweet.
Written by Rani Shah
February 7th, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.
Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.
Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”
“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”
PASADENA, CA – As 5-year-old Rohit Roy plays with his friends on the playground, his parents Jyoti and Dilip Roy watch in dismay.
Rohit, an extraordinarily gifted boy, was recently invited to compete in The State of California Spelling Championship – the winners of which are invited to The Scripps National Spelling Bee. After conquering words such as ‘prestidigitation’ and ‘mononuclidic’ he finished 3rd overall.
“He couldn’t win the state spelling bee,” says Mrs. Roy dejectedly. “Our eldest son, Ramesh, was able to win Scripps three years ago!” exclaims Mr. Roy, “I don’t know how Rohit will be competitive for MIT now with this setback.”
When FCN asked about his thoughts on the whole spelling bee experience, Rohit simply said, “I like trucks,” and swung away on the monkey bars.
Written by Rohan Shah
February 3rd, 2017
Written by Rani Shah
January 29th, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C – With recent developments surrounding questionable immigration and refugee policy, President Trump has begun communicating with world leaders on a more regular basis.
The Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi, is one such leader who has been in touch with Trump. Upon meeting, the Prime Minister had no issue pronouncing ‘Donald Trump’ – as Donald Duck is a favorite of Modi.
President Trump, however, has had multiple issues pronouncing the Prime Minister’s name. While it is only 3 syllables, Trump’s obvious speech and developmental disabilities has prevented him from properly pronouncing ‘Narendra’.
Even though small children in India can easily pronounce the Prime Minister’s name, President Trump did the usual and decided that “The White way is the right way” and now calls the Prime Minister ‘Ned’.
When asked, President Trump had the following to say, “Ned’s a great guy lemme tell ya – real champion and total inspiration for the Pakistani people….oh he’s not the PM of Pakistan? Wait he’s brown though, aren’t they all the same?”
Written by Utsav Gandhi
January 12th, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C – As President Barack Obama counts down to his last days in office, the Indian-American community across the nation is engaged in a curious debate. Will President Obama take a cue from his Indian counterpart, Prime Minister Narendra Modi, and de-legitimize (or “de-tender”) $50 and $100 currency notes, overnight and with immediate effect?
Prime Minister Modi gave Indians living in India and abroad until December 31, 2016 to declare their assets and exchange their old currency notes that were no longer valid. This left many Indian-Americans who weren’t planning to travel to India anytime soon in a state of flux.
As opposed to Prime Minister Modi’s intentions, which were to curb corruption and thwart counterfeiters among terrorist organizations, President Obama feels that enacting such legislation right now will be a wonderful opportunity for Mr. Trump to “drain the swamp” right away, a priority the President-elect has been claiming to tackle. The legislation could also allow Trump to prove himself to the almost 3 million voters who placed Hillary Clinton ahead in the popular vote during the presidential election.
One wonders what impact such an action could have on everyday Americans – according to sources, Mr. Trump’s youngest son, Barron, receives multiples of $100 in pocket money on a regular basis.
Trump’s foremost economic advisers, many with former Wall Street ties and corporate experience, declined to comment. Waiting instead for an official word from the President-elect (or, as is more generally known, the daily morning tweet).