BALTIMORE, MD – With the 18th wedding this summer, Blaze, the white stallion, has endured another summer spent on a black tar, suburban parking lot. Continue reading “Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.”
April 29th, 2017
ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s SASA (South Asian Student Association) formal season and students everywhere are preparing by going home to collect their favorite cultural outfits and stocking up on liquor for the pregame. As formal approaches, Fuss Class analysts find startling trends all across the country.
“It appears as though fights are at an all time high during these Spring months,” says Geeya Rai, Fuss Class News Analyst, “Men are drunkenly throwing punches over who flirted with ‘someone’s girl’ and women are fat-shaming and cursing at other women who hooked up with their crush. It’s quite shocking.”
While all SASA attendees are college students and pursuing serious careers in medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, journalism, and business, it seems that one thing does not progress in these communities: attitudes towards men and women having free will to do whatever the hell they want.
FCN (Fuss Class News) interviewed Rima Kandiwala, found crying in the bathroom and wiping mascara with her sari, “Karishma called me a fat bitch because I kissed her ex-boyfriend. Even though HE asked me to formal!”
Upon approaching Karishma Guriwal, she was found calming down her ex-boyfriend, not blaming him for kissing Rima and promising him that Rima was ‘bat shit crazy’.
Across the way, Sameer Lokhani and Sai Reddy were throwing punches at each other because ‘Sameer’s girl was holding hands with Sai’. While Sameer and his ex-girlfriend have not been dating for over 6 months, he made sure Sai’s lip was bleeding before walking away – even though Sameer had cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Karishma Guriwal 2 weeks into dating.
“We spent $10K on formal this year,” said Rima Kandiwala, SASA President, “I hope everyone enjoyed themselves!”
SUGAR LAND, TX – From the various trophies on their fireplace mantle to the wall full of framed certificates, the Gurusamy residence is no stranger to academic excellence. Continue reading “Token Golden Child, Vidya G., Actually Neighborhood’s Most Profitable Pot Dealer”
Written by Rani Shah
February 27th, 2017
KANSAS CITY, MO – Every day after his last class, Sanjay Chowdary would reluctantly make his way to his locker where he knew the 3 meanest bullies in the 8th grade were awaiting him. Repeatedly being called ‘Osama bin Laden’, ‘7-11’, and ‘Curry Scented Bitch’, Sanjay had become an expert at holding back tears and channeling his anger into tennis practice after school.
After running out of every unoriginal insult they could think of, Zach Parker, Madison Gibson, and Chris Evans (otherwise known as the ‘The Drop Top Trio’ a.k.a the whitest group name they could have possibly come up with) finally left Sanjay alone for the day.
That weekend, Zach Parker’s parents drove him to his dentist’s office – Dr. Priyanka Chowdary, DDS. While in the waiting room, Zach received a group text from Madison reading, “d00d. I’m at the doctor’s office and her name is Dr. Anju Chowdary, MD. LOL the same last as that loser Sanjay!”
Zach smiled at his phone and replied, “lmfao, my dentist has the same last name tooooo!”
Their friend Chris replied within moments, “You’re kidding me. My parents dragged me to their accountant’s office and his name is, no joke, Abhijeet Chowdary, CPA.”
“OMG what if they’re all rel8ed”, texted back Zach jokingly, “I dare u guys to ask them if they know Sanjay!”
“done lol”, texted Madison and Chris.
After snickering to themselves, each member of ‘The Drop Top Trio’ eventually saw it.
The framed family portrait sitting in each of their respective waiting rooms – with none other than Sanjay Chowdary smiling out in between his MD mom, DDS sister, and CPA dad.
The following Monday, Sanjay cautiously walked to his locker after class and was greeted by…absolutely no one.