WASHINGTON D.C – FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, who in less than 10 days will push for the removal of net neutrality consumer protections, has dominated the headlines to the displeasure of everybody. Continue reading “Ajit Pai Tackles Net Neutrality To Prove He Didn’t Peak In Middle School”
Written By Rani Shah
November 11th, 2017
ROCHESTER, MN – Medical professionals and scientists at the Mayo Clinic recently concluded their 15-year linguistics study concerning American speech patterns.
“After more than a decade of research, we’ve come up short in terms of finding an answer,” says Dr. Vinaya Joshi, “Test after test we see Mary Poppins’ ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ being sung perfectly but as soon as we ask our white subjects to pronounce their coworker’s name it’s game over. Names like ‘Arti‘ and ‘Abhijeet‘ seem to light up parts of the brain usually associated with confusion.”
Fuss Class News (FCN) inquired about this sudden shift in linguistics. For decades we’ve seen foods such as quesadilla, jalapeno, mozzarella, linguine, prosciutto, or kombucha be seamlessly used and pronounced correctly in mainstream American conversation.
Not just foods, but names such as Schwarzenegger, Tchaikovsky, or McConaughey are household name spoken with ease.
We inquired with Dr. Joshi about this ‘selective pronunciation’ phenomenon.
She responded, “That’s essentially the basis of the study, we wanted to understand why ‘Nikhil’ becomes nickel or how ‘Kinnari’ becomes canary – even after being corrected multiple times it’s as if it’s not registering.”
Dr. Joshi’s associate, Dr. Rakesh Tiwari added, “My advice? Just name your kid Raj.”
[Read: White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]
SUBURBIA, USA – “You looked better with long hair betaaaa,” cooed the various aunties circled around 25-year-old Sanjana Soni, “And so thin! My oh my, are you eating nowadays? This is too thin!”
“I love my hair short,” nervously laughed Ms. Soni, “Fits my personality better, plus my neck doesn’t get all sweaty!”
The auntie mob clicked their tongues and nodded their heads in disapproval, it was wedding season and they were concerned with how short hair will look while wearing a sari or legenga choli – outfits that Ms. Soni wore twice a year.
With occurrences like this happening at a shocking rate of twice per family party and/or wedding, the board of the Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) has been scrambling to maintain their image.
“Back in the 90’s we were known to keep the peace and only judge when young girls weren’t feminine enough,” explains DAAA President, Sunita Auntie, “But the aunties of this generation are a hitting it where it hurts, we’re talking fat shaming, skinny shaming, career shaming, haircut shaming, the list is never ending!”
“Just last week we had to reprimand a member for judging a guest at a wedding for pursuing graphic design and not dentistry – we’re afraid this behavior will sink the DAAA’s approval rating and will result in a funding cut.” says DAAA VP, Jyoti Auntie.
The DAAA’s funding source is primarily Zee TV and Kellyanne Conway’s personal bank account.
As the auntie mob surrounding Ms. Soni continued, she quickly checked into her flight, made sure it was indeed a one-way ticket, and tucked her short hair behind her ear.
ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s SASA (South Asian Student Association) formal season and students everywhere are preparing by going home to collect their favorite cultural outfits and stocking up on liquor for the pregame. As formal approaches, Fuss Class analysts find startling trends all across the country.
“It appears as though fights are at an all time high during these Spring months,” says Geeya Rai, Fuss Class News Analyst, “Men are drunkenly throwing punches over who flirted with ‘someone’s girl’ and women are fat-shaming and cursing at other women who hooked up with their crush. It’s quite shocking.”
While all SASA attendees are college students and pursuing serious careers in medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, journalism, and business, it seems that one thing does not progress in these communities: attitudes towards men and women having free will to do whatever the hell they want.
FCN (Fuss Class News) interviewed Rima Kandiwala, found crying in the bathroom and wiping mascara with her sari, “Karishma called me a fat bitch because I kissed her ex-boyfriend. Even though HE asked me to formal!”
Upon approaching Karishma Guriwal, she was found calming down her ex-boyfriend, not blaming him for kissing Rima and promising him that Rima was ‘bat shit crazy’.
Across the way, Sameer Lokhani and Sai Reddy were throwing punches at each other because ‘Sameer’s girl was holding hands with Sai’. While Sameer and his ex-girlfriend have not been dating for over 6 months, he made sure Sai’s lip was bleeding before walking away – even though Sameer had cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Karishma Guriwal 2 weeks into dating.
“We spent $10K on formal this year,” said Rima Kandiwala, SASA President, “I hope everyone enjoyed themselves!”
[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]
CHICAGO, IL – Fervor surrounding Drake’s latest album release, More Life, continues among music fans. The Indian Fuckboi Association (IFA) in particular has been affected deeply by this album release – many members learning that passion fruit is not a only euphemism but also a literal fruit.
Past the counter tops cluttered with bags of creatine powder and Indian snacks from their moms, IFA’s fridge has suddenly been stocked with passion fruit flavored Chobani Greek yogurt.
IFA Communications Officer, Harish Kumar, was shocked at the new development, “I was at HQ looking for a snack and when I opened the fridge I was like whattttt this shit is a real flavor?!”
Members of the IFA will often enjoy this sweet treat while polishing their diamond earring studs, some have even bought the fruit itself. Unable to use knives properly, many passion fruits lay around IFA HQ until someone’s girlfriend visits and cuts it herself.
More Life has also prompted multiple IFA members to plan a roadtrip to Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine, according to the National Tourism Bureau.
[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]
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