Tag: fuss class news

Friend Pumped About “happy wife is happy life” Wedding Speech

CHICAGO, IL – As the marriage ceremonies of Anand and Heta Sharma took place this last weekend, families and friends prepared for a speech and dance-filled wedding reception. Continue reading “Friend Pumped About “happy wife is happy life” Wedding Speech”

‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ Found To Be Primary Reason For Wedding Reception Attendance

Written by Rani Shah

July 6th, 2017

panjabi mc

LONDON, EN – With wedding season in North America reaching its peak during the summer months, researchers have honed in on patterns occurring at most Indian-American weddings.

After attending dozens of ‘small’ weddings consisting of 400 – 600 people, sociologists from Oxford University think they’ve cracked the case behind the human cognitive science of attending events.

Prior to 2003, it was found that close to 65% of all wedding invitees actually attended the wedding reception and stayed towards the end. Post-2003, however, researchers noticed an unnatural spike in wedding reception attendance. Almost 90% of invitees were showing up to receptions.

“It’s like all of a sudden people enjoyed wedding receptions or something,” says Deepti Chopra, a Fuss Class Analyst, “Nothing notable changed, there was still free food, free booze, and single men/women – so why this sudden spike?”

What researchers failed to acknowledge was the rise of popular bhangra song, Mundian To Bach Ke by Panjabi MC, occurring in 2003. The team at Oxford University discovered this correlation between increase in wedding reception attendance and Mundian To Bach Ke after attending their 6th wedding this summer.

“Almost as if a switch was flipped, the crowd goes from drab to fab when this song comes on,” describes Justin George, a Ph.D student from Oxford, “We noticed how the first 2 seconds of this song leads to a 50% increase in dance crowd size at receptions. Can you blame them? The song is just so damn good.”

After crunching the numbers, the Oxford team finally concluded that Mundian To Bach Ke is the primary cause of more guests wanting to attend the weddings of their shitty friends or distant, irrelevant cousins.

“The song is the perfect mix of ethnic and familiar,” explains Deepti Chopra, “Traditional enough for the older crowd and non-threatening enough for white people – it’s a win-win.”

[Read: White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

Mom Continues To Yell During International Calls Despite 20 Years Of Technological Advancements

Written by Rani Shah

June 12th, 2017

phone desi

ATLANTA, GA – 27-year-old Rabiya Khan was awoken by loud, consistent yelling on Saturday morning at her parent’s home in suburban Atlanta.

Visiting her parents for Memorial Day weekend, loud yelling in the early hours of the weekend isn’t uncommon. She explains, “They’re calling my relatives in Pakistan. With the time difference it makes sense to call them at 8 or 9 AM.”

Upon venturing downstairs, Fuss Class News found Ms. Khan’s mother, Shahnaz Khan, loudly screaming into the mouthpiece of her cordless phone.

“YES. YES EVERYONE IS GREAT. YES CAN YOU HEAR ME? YES. RABIYA JUST STARTED HER NEW JOB AT – WHAT? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

“The yelling is a mystery,” says Ms. Khan, a software engineer, “My parents are assuming the same call quality they had in 1995. I’ve tried explaining it to them but these are the same people who insist their Android phones from 5 years ago are also just fine.”

Upon asking Ms. Khan’s relatives in Pakistan, they felt quite differently, “We think poor Shahnaz has a hearing problem and just can’t hear us. Either that or we just assumed Americans love yelling.”

[ReadDaughter With Hair On Arms Gets Engaged To Great Guy; Family Confused]

Indian Fuckboi Association Discovers Passion Fruit Is An Actual Fruit

Written by Rani Shah

April 19th, 2017

IMG_3749

CHICAGO, IL – Fervor surrounding Drake’s latest album release, More Life, continues among music fans. The Indian Fuckboi Association (IFA) in particular has been affected deeply by this album release – many members learning that passion fruit is not a only euphemism but also a literal fruit.

Past the counter tops cluttered with bags of creatine powder and Indian snacks from their moms, IFA’s fridge has suddenly been stocked with passion fruit flavored Chobani Greek yogurt.

IFA Communications Officer, Harish Kumar, was shocked at the new development, “I was at HQ looking for a snack and when I opened the fridge I was like whattttt this shit is a real flavor?!”

Members of the IFA will often enjoy this sweet treat while polishing their diamond earring studs, some have even bought the fruit itself. Unable to use knives properly, many passion fruits lay around IFA HQ until someone’s girlfriend visits and cuts it herself.

More Life has also prompted multiple IFA members to plan a roadtrip to Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine, according to the National Tourism Bureau.

[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]

India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs

[Originally published on Brown Girl Magazine]

LONDON, UK – British retailer, ASOS, recently came under fire for selling an obvious tikka as a ‘Chandelier Hair Clip’ on their website. Continue reading “India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs”

Angry South Asian Fathers Find Inspiration From White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer

Written by Rani Shah

April 4th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, is known for his impassioned, rude, and often baseless statements regarding domestic and international politics.

Americans everywhere generally regard Spicer as a hot head and oftentimes describe his rebuttals as ‘toddler like’. One group of Americans, however, seem to find an uncanny resemblance to Spicer’s methods of conflict to that of their fathers.

Indian-Americans, Radhika Shah and Prashant Suresh reached out to Fuss Class News to share their experience.

“At first when I noticed Spicer talking up there and giving random, illogical rebuttals to the journalists I was like, ‘Whoa, where I have I experienced this before?'”, remarked Ms. Shah

“I agree with Radhika”, quipped Mr. Suresh, “There was an almost eerie connection I felt with Spicer’s yelling and refusal to listen to basic reasoning.”

Ms. Shah added, “I only realized after I got in trouble with my dad for not waking up before 8 a.m while I was on vacation that this style of seething anger and erratic yelling is what I’m used to. One time I wore open toed shoes in winter and my dad got so angry that he said my attempts at medical school were futile because I lack common sense.”

Mr. Suresh chuckled at Ms. Shah’s comments, “Oh I know what you mean Radhika. Remember when Spicer yelled at a reporter for nodding her head? One time I did that and got slapped twice!”

Upon asking what his relationship with his father is currently like, Mr. Suresh had this to say, “I only talk to him about money and career. Never anything emotional, or impactful, or inspirational, or anything other than business talk. It’s better for us all this way. I love my dad.”