Dear Maa,
Listen, I’ve eaten your rotis, even when the daal had just a touch too much salt. I’ve taken your thappads and obediently did math problems while all my other friends played outside in the summers. What I’m trying to say is that most of my life I’ve been your good beta. Continue reading “Letters To My Mummi (No.1): Shaadi”
BALTIMORE, MD – With the 18th wedding this summer, Blaze, the white stallion, has endured another summer spent on a black tar, suburban parking lot. Continue reading “Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.”
ARLINGTON, VA – With temperatures reaching among the high 80s and 90s this summer, families everywhere are turning to their A/C to keep things comfy.
As summer break hums along, neighborhood children find themselves going between local parks and their homes multiple times per day – the constant opening and closing of doors has caused some disturbance in nearby homes.
“It’s like dad has a sixth sense,” explains 11-year-old Raghu Kumar, “I’ll open the patio door for 2 seconds and he’ll come out of NOWHERE and demand that I close the door immediately because ‘the A/C is on’.”
Raghu’s brother, 15-year-old Tejas Kumar agrees, “It’s always been like this, just last week I was watching TV and Dad heard a door close in the show I was watching. He started yelling from upstairs about how I need to close the patio door right away.”
Both sons claim that family car rides have also felt the effects of the A/C syndrome – Tejas opened the window to ask for directions and was allegedly smacked in the back of the head because ‘the A/C is on’.
Upon looking at the Kumar’s thermostat, the home is set to a balmy 76 degrees F.
[Read: Mom Continues To Yell During International Calls Despite 20 Years Of Technological Advancements]
SUBURBIA, USA – “You looked better with long hair betaaaa,” cooed the various aunties circled around 25-year-old Sanjana Soni, “And so thin! My oh my, are you eating nowadays? This is too thin!”
“I love my hair short,” nervously laughed Ms. Soni, “Fits my personality better, plus my neck doesn’t get all sweaty!”
The auntie mob clicked their tongues and nodded their heads in disapproval, it was wedding season and they were concerned with how short hair will look while wearing a sari or legenga choli – outfits that Ms. Soni wore twice a year.
With occurrences like this happening at a shocking rate of twice per family party and/or wedding, the board of the Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) has been scrambling to maintain their image.
“Back in the 90’s we were known to keep the peace and only judge when young girls weren’t feminine enough,” explains DAAA President, Sunita Auntie, “But the aunties of this generation are a hitting it where it hurts, we’re talking fat shaming, skinny shaming, career shaming, haircut shaming, the list is never ending!”
“Just last week we had to reprimand a member for judging a guest at a wedding for pursuing graphic design and not dentistry – we’re afraid this behavior will sink the DAAA’s approval rating and will result in a funding cut.” says DAAA VP, Jyoti Auntie.
The DAAA’s funding source is primarily Zee TV and Kellyanne Conway’s personal bank account.
As the auntie mob surrounding Ms. Soni continued, she quickly checked into her flight, made sure it was indeed a one-way ticket, and tucked her short hair behind her ear.
ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s been 2 months since Pratik Shastri began working at a local legal firm. Specializing in corporate law, he is confident he’s found the right firm to propel his career forward. Continue reading “White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala”
DES MOINES, IA – This Valentines Day, the Patel family decided to pass the evening with a family movie night after dinner. As usual, they sat in their basement home theater and popped in the latest Bollywood Blockbuster that their family friend, Preeti aunty, described as, “very different and good. A must watch!” Continue reading “Family Fast Forwards Through Bollywood Kiss Scene; Enjoys Item Girl Song”
BOSTON, MA – Earlier this week, 25 year old Karthik Patel had successfully set up a day to meet a girl he had been messaging on popular South Asian dating app, Dil Mil.
“Kk see you Friday!” read the text he received from 24 year old Priya Sharma. Mr. Patel suggested that he and Ms. Sharma meet up at a local bar for a drink. He had been there once and the ambiance was ‘chill enough’ for a date.
Upon her arrival, Ms. Sharma realized, to her dismay, that the bar which Mr. Patel had chosen had several televisions all with various ESPN networks being shown.
While talking about how much they ‘love travel’ and how Mr. Patel goes home every weekend to get Indian food from his mom, Ms. Sharma appreciated that he had barely glanced at SportsCenter being shown on the TV behind her. An hour and half later, Ms. Sharma politely left and told Mr. Patel that she had had a “really good time.”
Upon asking Ms. Sharma how she felt about the date she said, “He was cool! Cute and actually really funny. Plus he didn’t talk about how he wants to get an MBA the entire time – better than most dates I’ve been on.”
“She was super chill and smart. I think I’ll ask her to watch the Pat’s game at my friends place next week”, remarked Mr. Patel.
WALTHAM, MA – While 24 year old Shreya Rahman is in no rush to tie the knot, she can’t help but mourn the loss of her only feminist, brown, guy friend’s single status.
Her friend, 26 year old Chirag Gandhi, got engaged last week – destroying any hope that him and his reportedly ‘basic’ girlfriend are ever breaking up.
According to Ms. Rahman, Mr. Gandhi is the only brown guy she’s met who’s masculinity isn’t threatened by whether his wife makes more money than him, isn’t squeamish about discussing menstrual periods, treats his younger sister like a person – not an overprotected puppy, and actually helps his mom with household chores instead of halfheartedly asking if she needs help and never actually getting up.
Upon asking her girl friends how they felt about Ms. Rahman’s grieving period, they had this to say, “Honestly, Shreya seriously needs to get out more. Most of her guy friends still go home just to eat Indian food and have basically become their fathers. There are more feminist brown dudes out there than she thinks and they’re awesome.”
CHICAGO, IL – This holiday season has been nothing short of picturesque for the Iyer family – filled with snow, laughter, and ample family time. Continue reading “Family Seeks Tamil Girl for Non-Tamil Speaking Son”
NEW YORK, NY – Last week, 28 year old Jay Patel got down on one knee in picturesque Central Park and popped the question to his girlfriend, 27 year old Rima Desai.
Having met at a garba 3 years prior, Jay and Rima describe their relationship as, ‘loving, quirky, and honest.’ While Jay sings praises of his now fiancé , Rima always had her doubts about whether Jay would fall for her.
“Growing up, aunties would always ask why I haven’t gotten my arms waxed yet. I was told how no boy would like me but then Jay came along. He looked past my grotesque deformity and loved me for me!”, says Rima.
The couple celebrated their engagement with a family dinner in Manhattan where many family members were overjoyed, while some remained confused.
Rima’s distant family friend, Preeti Auntie had this to say, “Is she never getting her arms waxed? Do boys not have standards any longer? Sure she’s a successful attorney, fantastic artist, and major philanthropist, but how can her arms land such a great guy?”
Fuss Class News 