Tag: love

Friend Pumped About “happy wife is happy life” Wedding Speech

CHICAGO, IL – As the marriage ceremonies of Anand and Heta Sharma took place this last weekend, families and friends prepared for a speech and dance-filled wedding reception. Continue reading “Friend Pumped About “happy wife is happy life” Wedding Speech”

Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.

BALTIMORE, MD – With the 18th wedding this summer, Blaze, the white stallion, has endured another summer spent on a black tar, suburban parking lot. Continue reading “Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.”

Tensions Rise As Patio Door Is Left Open While The A/C Is On

ARLINGTON, VA – With temperatures reaching among the high 80s and 90s this summer, families everywhere are turning to their A/C to keep things comfy.

As summer break hums along, neighborhood children find themselves going between local parks and their homes multiple times per day – the constant opening and closing of doors has caused some disturbance in nearby homes.

“It’s like dad has a sixth sense,” explains 11-year-old Raghu Kumar, “I’ll open the patio door for 2 seconds and he’ll come out of NOWHERE and demand that I close the door immediately because ‘the A/C is on’.”

Raghu’s brother, 15-year-old Tejas Kumar agrees, “It’s always been like this, just last week I was watching TV and Dad heard a door close in the show I was watching. He started yelling from upstairs about how I need to close the patio door right away.”

Both sons claim that family car rides have also felt the effects of the A/C syndrome – Tejas opened the window to ask for directions and was allegedly smacked in the back of the head because ‘the A/C is on’.

Upon looking at the Kumar’s thermostat, the home is set to a balmy 76 degrees F.

Written by Rani Shah

July 6th, 2017

[Read: Mom Continues To Yell During International Calls Despite 20 Years Of Technological Advancements]

Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) Approval Rating Hits All Time Low

Written by Rani Shah

June 15th, 2017

auntie villain

SUBURBIA, USA – “You looked better with long hair betaaaa,” cooed the various aunties circled around 25-year-old Sanjana Soni, “And so thin! My oh my, are you eating nowadays? This is too thin!”

“I love my hair short,” nervously laughed Ms. Soni, “Fits my personality better, plus my neck doesn’t get all sweaty!”

The auntie mob clicked their tongues and nodded their heads in disapproval, it was wedding season and they were concerned with how short hair will look while wearing a sari or legenga choli – outfits that Ms. Soni wore twice a year.

With occurrences like this happening at a shocking rate of twice per family party and/or wedding, the board of the Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) has been scrambling to maintain their image.

“Back in the 90’s we were known to keep the peace and only judge when young girls weren’t feminine enough,” explains DAAA President, Sunita Auntie,  “But the aunties of this generation are a hitting it where it hurts, we’re talking fat shaming, skinny shaming, career shaming, haircut shaming, the list is never ending!”

“Just last week we had to reprimand a member for judging a guest at a wedding for pursuing graphic design and not dentistry – we’re afraid this behavior will sink the DAAA’s approval rating and will result in a funding cut.” says DAAA VP, Jyoti Auntie.

The DAAA’s funding source is primarily Zee TV and Kellyanne Conway’s personal bank account.

As the auntie mob surrounding Ms. Soni continued, she quickly checked into her flight, made sure it was indeed a one-way ticket, and tucked her short hair behind her ear.

 

 

White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala

Written by Rani Shah

June 13th, 2017

fuss class chicken.jpg

ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s been 2 months since Pratik Shastri began working at a local legal firm. Specializing in corporate law, he is confident he’s found the right firm to propel his career forward.

“I feel challenged and am surrounded by really bright attorneys,” explains Mr. Shastri, “I’m excited for my future here.”

Like most workplaces in America, Mr. Shastri is a minority in his office. As such, he is no stranger to his white coworkers trying their best to ‘relate to his background.’

“I just LOVE naan and chicken tikka masala,” gushes Brian Perkins, “I’m all about that spice. I’ve been asking Pratik if he wants to get some with me for the past few weeks.”

Upon asking what other Indian dishes he enjoyed, Brian admitted, “I’ve tried chai lattes before but nothing else really. I’m not sure I’ll like curry – plus I don’t want anything that you can’t eat with a fork.”

“I’m from Chicago,” said Mr. Shastri, “Some decent pizza for lunch would be nice.”

[ReadIndia Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs]

Family Fast Forwards Through Bollywood Love Scene; Not Raunchy Item Girl Song

Written by Rani Shah

February 14th, 2017

DES MOINES, IA – This Valentines Day, the Patel family decided to pass the evening with a family movie night after dinner. As usual, they sat in their basement home theater and popped in the latest Bollywood Blockbuster that their family friend, Preeti aunty, described as, “very different and good. A must watch!”

Forty five minutes into the film, the hero had already been disowned by his family for falling in love with a girl below his social status. The hero’s distress led him to a small bar in an Indian village where a woman wearing nothing but a short skirt and a bikini top starts to dance and gyrate on the old men visiting the bar.

“Wow. She has lost so much weight!”, remarked Shilpa Patel, as the dancing woman in the bar began to sing and strip.

After the item girl song was over, the hero of the movie ends up taking a walk with his love interest – who his family did not approve of. Once he gave his heartfelt 20 minute long speech about how much he loves her, he leans in for a kiss.

“AY REMOTE!”, yelled Shilpa Patel at that very moment. As she fumbled to find the fast forward button in the dark, her two kids aged 19 and 25, squirmed in their seat while trying to avoid eye contact with both their parents.

Man Takes Dil Mil Date To Bar With Sports Playing On Television

Written by Rani Shah

January 7th, 2017

BOSTON, MA – Earlier this week, 25 year old Karthik Patel had successfully set up a day to meet a girl he had been messaging on popular South Asian dating app, Dil Mil.

“Kk see you Friday!” read the text he received from 24 year old Priya Sharma. Mr. Patel suggested that he and Ms. Sharma meet up at a local bar for a drink. He had been there once and the ambiance was ‘chill enough’ for a date.

Upon her arrival, Ms. Sharma realized, to her dismay, that the bar which Mr. Patel had chosen had several televisions all with various ESPN networks being shown.

While talking about how much they ‘love travel’ and how Mr. Patel goes home every weekend to get Indian food from his mom, Ms. Sharma appreciated that he had barely glanced at SportsCenter being shown on the TV behind her. An hour and half later, Ms. Sharma politely left and told Mr. Patel that she had had a “really good time.”

Upon asking Ms. Sharma how she felt about the date she said, “He was cool! Cute and actually really funny. Plus he didn’t talk about how he wants to get an MBA the entire time – better than most dates I’ve been on.”

“She was super chill and smart. I think I’ll ask her to watch the Pat’s game at my friends place next week”, remarked Mr. Patel.