Tag: american

Sar-He™ Surpasses RompHim™ Sales This Holiday Season

MUMBAI, INDIA – With the recent success of the bold, new RompHim™ for men in the United States, boys and men nationwide have scrambled to get their hands on this novelty fashion piece. Continue reading “Sar-He™ Surpasses RompHim™ Sales This Holiday Season”

Ajit Pai Tackles Net Neutrality To Prove He Didn’t Peak In Middle School

WASHINGTON D.C – FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, who in less than 10 days will push for the removal of net neutrality consumer protections, has dominated the headlines to the displeasure of everybody. Continue reading “Ajit Pai Tackles Net Neutrality To Prove He Didn’t Peak In Middle School”

Scientists Stumped: White People Able To Sing ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’; Continue Mispronouncing South Asian First Names

Written By Rani Shah

November 11th, 2017

 

ROCHESTER, MN – Medical professionals and scientists at the Mayo Clinic recently concluded their 15-year linguistics study concerning American speech patterns.

“After more than a decade of research, we’ve come up short in terms of finding an answer,” says Dr. Vinaya Joshi, “Test after test we see Mary Poppins’ ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ being sung perfectly but as soon as we ask our white subjects to pronounce their coworker’s name it’s game over.  Names like ‘Arti‘ and ‘Abhijeet‘ seem to light up parts of the brain usually associated with confusion.”

Fuss Class News (FCN) inquired about this sudden shift in linguistics. For decades we’ve seen foods such as quesadilla, jalapeno, mozzarella, linguine, prosciutto, or kombucha be seamlessly used and pronounced correctly in mainstream American conversation.

Not just foods, but names such as Schwarzenegger, Tchaikovsky, or McConaughey are household name spoken with ease.

We inquired with Dr. Joshi about this ‘selective pronunciation’ phenomenon.

She responded, “That’s essentially the basis of the study, we wanted to understand why ‘Nikhil’ becomes nickel or how ‘Kinnari’ becomes canary – even after being corrected multiple times it’s as if it’s not registering.”

Dr. Joshi’s associate, Dr. Rakesh Tiwari added, “My advice? Just name your kid Raj.”

 

[ReadWhite Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

Girl Enters Temple on Her Period; Nothing Happens.

 

Written By Rani Shah

October 15th, 2017

 

CHICAGO, IL – “Visiting friends, enjoying the food served by the temple, and having the chance to meditate” are just a few reasons the Mehta’s cite as to what they look forward to every Diwali season at their Chicago temple.

Last Friday, as 23-year-old Sunny Mehta popped Midol and laid on the couch with a heating pad on her groin – her mother, 51-year-old Shilpa Mehta, texted Sunny asking what time she’ll be at the temple that evening.

Sunny promptly texted back, “Hi mom, be there by 7:30.”

“Ok great…..make sure you’re not on your periods. lol.” responds Mrs. Mehta.

“Why? What happens?” texted Sunny.

“Stop it.” responds Mrs. Mehta.

With a craving for temple food and no satisfactory answer as to why she can’t enter the temple while on her period, Sunny Mehta put on some comfy leggings plus kurta and headed out.

Upon arrival to the temple, Sunny prepared for the worst.

She looked out for lightning strikes that were likely willed to her by God’s wrath. She kept her distance from the giant temple chandeliers lest one crash down upon her.

She even avoided cracks – in case they broke her mother’s back.

After praying and saying hi to some friends, Sunny safely arrived at the temple food hall where she saw her parents.

“Aren’t you on your periods?” whispered Mrs. Mehta to Sunny.

Sunny responds, “Yea. I will be next month too for that puja we’re attending. See you then.”

 

Trump Appoints Sholay’s Gabbar Singh As U.S. Secretary of Defense

[Originally published in Brown Girl Magazine]

WASHINGTON D.C – As tensions with North Korea and the United States continue to rise, President Trump has taken it upon himself rearrange U.S. Department of Defense by firing yet another cabinet member, General James Mattis. Continue reading “Trump Appoints Sholay’s Gabbar Singh As U.S. Secretary of Defense”

Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner

LAS VEGAS, NV – The waiter had finished naming off the Chef’s Specials and asked the table if they needed a few minutes before beginning their drink order. Continue reading “Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner”

Kantaben Scores Higher On US Citizenship Exam Than President Donald Trump

Written by Rani Shah

May 1st, 2017

kantaben.PNG

WASHINGTON D.C – Recent interview with the Washington Examiner’s Salena Zito reveals that President Donald Trump does not quite know why the United States Civil War occurred.

…why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?“, stated the President.

Taking one look at the USCIS Civics Practice Exam, one will notice that a sample question to obtain US Citizenship status is knowing why the Civil War began.

civics test twitter
Source: https://my.uscis.gov/

While the current President of the United States can barely pass an STD test, let alone the US Citizenship exam, groups of immigrants consistently scores high on these exams.

Upon arriving at the Indian Embassy in Washington D.C, Fuss Class News (FCN) approached 26-year-old Ankit Amin who was accompanying his 72-year-old grandmother, Kantaben Bhansali, applying for US citizenship.

Mr. Amin proudly remarked, “She’s a trooper. When she moved to the US she was a maid in NYC for an MBA student, now she’s running her own tutoring company for elementary school kids.”

“I have been studying for months now,” stated Kantaben Bhansali, “I was a school teacher back in Gujarat and have a degree in Literature from Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda. So no, I’m not too nervous.”

When asked what she’s most looking forward to with her imminent US citizen status, Mrs. Bhansali responded, “Advocating for the legalization of marijuana. Baapre baap it’s about time.”

[Read: White Saree Demand Skyrockets As South Asians Mourn America’s Future]