Tag: culture

family, music, Science

Studies Show White People Will Never Be Able To Stop Talking About How Colorful Indian Weddings Are.

Written by Rani Shah

October 16th, 2017

 

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As wedding season comes to a close, Brians and Madisons everywhere are floored by the spectacle that is a traditional Indian wedding.

NYU’s Anthropology Dean, Smita Rao, explains this phenomenon, “In the early 90’s we definitely saw a surge of White Americans attending South Asian weddings. Now with the prevalence of social media and the Bollywood dance craze exposing more of Indian culture, it’s like white people have never seen colors in their life before.”

While 4-5 days of wedding events and guest lists averaging at 400 guests/event at South Asian weddings is staggering in itself, researchers claim that merely seeing a man with glitter on his outfit will get white people going for months.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. The colors. I mean everyone was wearing a different color. I saw pink. I saw blue. I saw parrot green. I didn’t even know these existed.” raved Brian Applebaum, “I was medically diagnosed as colorblind before attending Aakash’s wedding to be quite honest.”

“I wear a tan cardigan to work every day,” added Madison Applebaum, “After Aakash’s color bender I’m considering wearing something exotic instead – perhaps a polka dotted cardigan.”

[Read: White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

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Girl Enters Temple on Her Period; Nothing Happens

CHICAGO, IL – “Visiting friends, enjoying the food served by the temple, and having the chance to meditate” are just a few reasons the Mehta’s cite as to what they look forward to every Diwali season at their Chicago temple. Continue reading “Girl Enters Temple on Her Period; Nothing Happens” →

news, Social

Father and Son Celebrate International Women’s Day By Asking Mom What’s For Dinner

Written by Rani Shah

March 8th, 2017

BALTIMORE, MD – March 8th celebrates International Women’s Day, a day of conversation and appreciation surrounding the topics of gender equality, women’s safety, and equal opportunities.

As Mr. Sandeep Amin sat down at the family dining table, he opened up that morning’s edition of the Washington Post and began reading about local events taking place in honor of International Women’s Day.

“See this, always respect women!”, Mr. Amin told his son sitting across the table, “It is always about respecting your mother and sister. Remember that.”

24 year old Harsh Amin silently nodded in agreement as he tweeted, “#HappyInternationalWomensDay”

As Mr. Amin and Harsh sat at the table, Mrs. Indu Amin was frantically making roti and stirring daal in the kitchen. She had gotten out of work 30 minutes late that day and knew how Mr. Amin’s temperament got if dinner wasn’t served before 7 p.m.

She placed the plates and the bowls of food on the table – “Finally! I was so hungry. Why has this taken so long for you lately?”, exclaimed Mr. Amin.

Harsh eyed the plates on the table and goes, “Mom – why did you make this daal again? I don’t want it again, just pass me the rice.”

“Where is your sister?”, asked Mrs. Amin, “PAYAL! Come down. Dinner!”

As 18 year old Payal Amin rushed downstairs, Mrs. Amin begins to go off, “Why didn’t you do the dishes yesterday? Look at the sink!”

“I was studying for my AP Exams”, responded Payal as she looked over at her brother Harsh who still lived at home and her father who didn’t know how to iron a shirt or make rice for himself, both quietly eating.

“Dude stop wearing yoga pants all the time – they’re too tight”, remarked Harsh.

Payal sat down at the dinner table as Harsh checked his phone to see how many people had favorited his tweet.

 

 

 

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School Bullies Realize Nerdy Brown Kid Is Related To Local Dentist, Doctor, and Parents’ Accountant

Written by Rani Shah

February 27th, 2017

KANSAS CITY, MO – Every day after his last class, Sanjay Chowdary would reluctantly make his way to his locker where he knew the 3 meanest bullies in the 8th grade were awaiting him. Repeatedly being called ‘Osama bin Laden’, ‘7-11’, and ‘Curry Scented Bitch’, Sanjay had become an expert at holding back tears and channeling his anger into tennis practice after school.

After running out of every unoriginal insult they could think of, Zach Parker, Madison Gibson, and Chris Evans (otherwise known as the ‘The Drop Top Trio’ a.k.a the whitest group name they could have possibly come up with) finally left Sanjay alone for the day.

That weekend, Zach Parker’s parents drove him to his dentist’s office – Dr. Priyanka Chowdary, DDS. While in the waiting room, Zach received a group text from Madison reading, “d00d. I’m at the doctor’s office and her name is Dr. Anju Chowdary, MD. LOL the same last as that loser Sanjay!”

Zach smiled at his phone and replied, “lmfao, my dentist has the same last name tooooo!”

Their friend Chris replied within moments, “You’re kidding me. My parents dragged me to their accountant’s office and his name is, no joke, Abhijeet Chowdary, CPA.”

“OMG what if they’re all rel8ed”, texted back Zach jokingly, “I dare u guys to ask them if they know Sanjay!”

“done lol”, texted Madison and Chris.

After snickering to themselves, each member of ‘The Drop Top Trio’ eventually saw it.

The framed family portrait sitting in each of their respective waiting rooms – with none other than Sanjay Chowdary smiling out in between his MD mom, DDS sister, and CPA dad.

The following Monday, Sanjay cautiously walked to his locker after class and was greeted by…absolutely no one.

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Family Fast Forwards Through Bollywood Kiss Scene; Enjoys Item Girl Song

DES MOINES, IA – This Valentines Day, the Patel family decided to pass the evening with a family movie night after dinner. As usual, they sat in their basement home theater and popped in the latest Bollywood Blockbuster that their family friend, Preeti aunty, described as, “very different and good. A must watch!” Continue reading “Family Fast Forwards Through Bollywood Kiss Scene; Enjoys Item Girl Song” →

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Boy, Age 5, Disappoints Parents

PASADENA, CA – As 5-year-old Rohit Roy plays with his friends on the playground, his parents Jyoti and Dilip Roy watch in dismay.

Rohit, an extraordinarily gifted boy, was recently invited to compete in The State of California Spelling Championship – the winners of which are invited to The Scripps National Spelling Bee. After conquering words such as ‘prestidigitation’ and ‘mononuclidic’ he finished 3rd overall.

“He couldn’t win the state spelling bee,” says Mrs. Roy dejectedly. “Our eldest son, Ramesh, was able to win Scripps three years ago!” exclaims Mr. Roy, “I don’t know how Rohit will be competitive for MIT now with this setback.”

When FCN asked about his thoughts on the whole spelling bee experience, Rohit simply said, “I like trucks,” and swung away on the monkey bars.

Written by Rohan Shah

February 3rd, 2017
news

Local Aunties Arrested Over Alleged Assault Following Gift Exchange

Written by Akshay Patel

February 3rd, 2017

BARRINGTON, IL – Two aunties in their mid-forties were arrested and both charged with assault (and one with attempted robbery) after a dispute last weekend.  

The incident occurred after a relatively uneventful family gathering.

“I was shoveling my driveway when my neighbor began fighting with one of her guests and tried to steal her purse”, said John Sherman, a perplexed bystander who initially called 911. “I was very confused, as my neighbor seems to be doing well financially and is normally very calm.”

Fuss Class News contacted one of the Barrington aunties involved in the altercation. “That bloody woman always gives too much money to my son every holiday so I gave it back to her…but then I saw her slipping it into his pocket a few minutes later,” the auntie stated. “I don’t know if it was the extra masala in my chai that morning, but I wasn’t having it and we got a little carried when I tried to put the money into her purse after she repeatedly refused to take it back.”

Barrington police issued a statement shortly after the charges were dropped: “In regards to the incident in question, charges have been dropped by both parties. The arrest seems to be our misinterpretation of a cultural norm. An apology has been issued, and our department has hired a cultural consultant from a local Mandir to ensure our training is up to date.”

 

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Asian Twins Can’t Convince Strangers That They’re Actually Twins

Written by Joseph Z Chen

January 23rd, 2017

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “It’s really annoying”, complained Tony Lin.

“We keep telling people we’re identical twins but nobody seems to believe us”, said Andy Lin.

This is a problem that identical twin brothers, Tony and Andy Lin, encounter all the time.  Whenever they go to parties together and introduce themselves as twins, people just don’t believe them.

“I mean, I’m not racist, okay? I can tell the difference between two Asian people. They don’t all look alike”, said one partygoer, who insisted on remaining anonymous.

“Look, look, take a look at Tony”, he said while pointing at Andy.  “Clearly he has blacker hair and his eyes are a little more narrow.”

As of late, Tony and Andy have stopped mentioning their sibling relationship.  However, they continue to find themselves in uncomfortable situations, being mistaken for one another. In fact, Andy once had a heated make-out session with Tony’s girlfriend of 6 months, who also does not believe they are twin brothers.

“She came at me out of nowhere and before I knew it, we were kissing. Rather than awkwardly explaining that I wasn’t Tony, I just rolled with it”, said Andy.

When asked about that incident, Tony replied, “Andy’s cool like that. If she had known, it would only hurt her. She prides herself in being ‘color blind’ and accepting of all cultures.”

There are some upsides, though. The Lin brothers can grab as many free samples as they want at Costco without anyone accusing of them going for seconds.

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Family Relationships Strained While Choreographing Dance For Aunt’s Wedding

Written by Rani Shah

January 12th, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – After creating the 4 minute Bollywood dance mix for their Aunt Shreya’s wedding, the Sharma cousins were finally ready to begin practicing.

During dance practice in the basement on Tuesday evening, a distant aunt visiting from New Jersey noticed how her 8-year old daughter wasn’t included in the cousins wedding dance.

“Why isn’t Reshma in this?”, asked Preeti masi, “Why are you trying to purposely exclude  her?”

The Sharma cousins looked at one another until their oldest cousin said, “We didn’t even know Reshma wanted to be in the dance. Wait…is she even here?” All the cousins suddenly realized that they hadn’t even seen Reshma the last few days.

“This is typical. You guys just like to leave her out of everything! Similar to what all your mom’s did to me as a child”, exclaimed Preeti masi.

As the other adults came downstairs to see what the noise was all about, the Sharma cousins noticed their little cousin Reshma silently mouthing, “Please don’t make me dance” from across the room, under the coffee table, hiding from her mom.

business, news

Indian Meal Kit Service, Namaste Fresh, Aims to Impress In-Laws

Written by Karen Desai

January 7th, 2017

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Launched this year, Namaste Fresh is an ethnic meal-kit service that delivers a box of Indian recipes along with all the pre-packaged masala and ingredients needed to whip up “homemade” South Asian meals (including complex Jain recipes).

“Millennials today are dependent on food delivery and meal kits. But, millennial Indian women are still expected to impress their in-laws by making homemade Indian food from scratch. But, seriously, how am I supposed to do that? ” said 27 year old, Sonia Gupta.

Namaste Fresh has promised to help the new generation of Indian-American consumers like Ms. Gupta and has built its entire service around the tagline “Fake It To Make It With Your In-laws.”

With its largest customer bases in Edison, NJ; Naperville, IL; and Phoenix, AZ, this South Asian food service is in high demand – with usage spiking during the holiday season, otherwise known as the peak season to impress families.

Experts say the popularity of the ethnic meal-kit is due to a combination of on-demand services, an influx of immigrants to the U.S, American Born Confused Desis (ABCDs), and the busy schedules of a new breed of working women.