SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Moving into their new Bay Area apartment this past year, 25-year-old’s Amar Joshi, Shaan Tiwari, and Vishal Pathak, were ready to buy some furniture and create a temporary home for themselves.Continue reading “Roommate Unable To Function Without Mom”
WASHINGTON D.C – FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, who in less than 10 days will push for the removal of net neutrality consumer protections, has dominated the headlines to the displeasure of everybody. Continue reading “Ajit Pai Tackles Net Neutrality To Prove He Didn’t Peak In Middle School”
Written By Rani Shah
November 11th, 2017
ROCHESTER, MN – Medical professionals and scientists at the Mayo Clinic recently concluded their 15-year linguistics study concerning American speech patterns.
“After more than a decade of research, we’ve come up short in terms of finding an answer,” says Dr. Vinaya Joshi, “Test after test we see Mary Poppins’ ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ being sung perfectly but as soon as we ask our white subjects to pronounce their coworker’s name it’s game over. Names like ‘Arti‘ and ‘Abhijeet‘ seem to light up parts of the brain usually associated with confusion.”
Fuss Class News (FCN) inquired about this sudden shift in linguistics. For decades we’ve seen foods such as quesadilla, jalapeno, mozzarella, linguine, prosciutto, or kombucha be seamlessly used and pronounced correctly in mainstream American conversation.
Not just foods, but names such as Schwarzenegger, Tchaikovsky, or McConaughey are household name spoken with ease.
We inquired with Dr. Joshi about this ‘selective pronunciation’ phenomenon.
She responded, “That’s essentially the basis of the study, we wanted to understand why ‘Nikhil’ becomes nickel or how ‘Kinnari’ becomes canary – even after being corrected multiple times it’s as if it’s not registering.”
Dr. Joshi’s associate, Dr. Rakesh Tiwari added, “My advice? Just name your kid Raj.”
Written by Rani Shah
October 16th, 2017
NEW YORK CITY, NY – As wedding season comes to a close, Brians and Madisons everywhere are floored by the spectacle that is a traditional Indian wedding.
NYU’s Anthropology Dean, Smita Rao, explains this phenomenon, “In the early 90’s we definitely saw a surge of White Americans attending South Asian weddings. Now with the prevalence of social media and the Bollywood dance craze exposing more of Indian culture, it’s like white people have never seen colors in their life before.”
While 4-5 days of wedding events and guest lists averaging at 400 guests/event at South Asian weddings is staggering in itself, researchers claim that merely seeing a man with glitter on his outfit will get white people going for months.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. The colors. I mean everyone was wearing a different color. I saw pink. I saw blue. I saw parrot green. I didn’t even know these existed.” raved Brian Applebaum, “I was medically diagnosed as colorblind before attending Aakash’s wedding to be quite honest.”
“I wear a tan cardigan to work every day,” added Madison Applebaum, “After Aakash’s color bender I’m considering wearing something exotic instead – perhaps a polka dotted cardigan.”
CHICAGO, IL – “Visiting friends, enjoying the food served by the temple, and having the chance to meditate” are just a few reasons the Mehta’s cite as to what they look forward to every Diwali season at their Chicago temple. Continue reading “Girl Enters Temple on Her Period; Nothing Happens”
BALTIMORE, MD – With the 18th wedding this summer, Blaze, the white stallion, has endured another summer spent on a black tar, suburban parking lot. Continue reading “Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.”
LAS VEGAS, NV – The waiter had finished naming off the Chef’s Specials and asked the table if they needed a few minutes before beginning their drink order. Continue reading “Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner”
LONDON, EN – With wedding season in North America reaching its peak during the summer months, researchers have honed in on patterns occurring at most Indian-American weddings. Continue reading “‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ Found To Be Primary Reason For Wedding Reception Attendance”
ARLINGTON, VA – With temperatures reaching among the high 80s and 90s this summer, families everywhere are turning to their A/C to keep things comfy.
As summer break hums along, neighborhood children find themselves going between local parks and their homes multiple times per day – the constant opening and closing of doors has caused some disturbance in nearby homes.
“It’s like dad has a sixth sense,” explains 11-year-old Raghu Kumar, “I’ll open the patio door for 2 seconds and he’ll come out of NOWHERE and demand that I close the door immediately because ‘the A/C is on’.”
Raghu’s brother, 15-year-old Tejas Kumar agrees, “It’s always been like this, just last week I was watching TV and Dad heard a door close in the show I was watching. He started yelling from upstairs about how I need to close the patio door right away.”
Both sons claim that family car rides have also felt the effects of the A/C syndrome – Tejas opened the window to ask for directions and was allegedly smacked in the back of the head because ‘the A/C is on’.
Upon looking at the Kumar’s thermostat, the home is set to a balmy 76 degrees F.
Written by Rani Shah
July 6th, 2017
CHICAGO, IL – A stick of red lipstick, intense hair straightening, and a simple swipe of cat eyeliner later, the girls getting ready at Apt. 908 are ready for their Uber heading to Naina Khanna’s birthday party. Continue reading “Friends Group Spends Hours Getting Ready To Look Exactly Like Every Other Girl At Party”