Tag: fuss class

Science, Social

Scientists Stumped: White People Able To Sing ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’; Continue Mispronouncing South Asian First Names

Written By Rani Shah

November 11th, 2017

 

ROCHESTER, MN – Medical professionals and scientists at the Mayo Clinic recently concluded their 15-year linguistics study concerning American speech patterns.

“After more than a decade of research, we’ve come up short in terms of finding an answer,” says Dr. Vinaya Joshi, “Test after test we see Mary Poppins’ ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ being sung perfectly but as soon as we ask our white subjects to pronounce their coworker’s name it’s game over.  Names like ‘Arti‘ and ‘Abhijeet‘ seem to light up parts of the brain usually associated with confusion.”

Fuss Class News (FCN) inquired about this sudden shift in linguistics. For decades we’ve seen foods such as quesadilla, jalapeno, mozzarella, linguine, prosciutto, or kombucha be seamlessly used and pronounced correctly in mainstream American conversation.

Not just foods, but names such as Schwarzenegger, Tchaikovsky, or McConaughey are household name spoken with ease.

We inquired with Dr. Joshi about this ‘selective pronunciation’ phenomenon.

She responded, “That’s essentially the basis of the study, we wanted to understand why ‘Nikhil’ becomes nickel or how ‘Kinnari’ becomes canary – even after being corrected multiple times it’s as if it’s not registering.”

Dr. Joshi’s associate, Dr. Rakesh Tiwari added, “My advice? Just name your kid Raj.”

 

[Read: White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

family, music, Science

Studies Show White People Will Never Be Able To Stop Talking About How Colorful Indian Weddings Are.

Written by Rani Shah

October 16th, 2017

 

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As wedding season comes to a close, Brians and Madisons everywhere are floored by the spectacle that is a traditional Indian wedding.

NYU’s Anthropology Dean, Smita Rao, explains this phenomenon, “In the early 90’s we definitely saw a surge of White Americans attending South Asian weddings. Now with the prevalence of social media and the Bollywood dance craze exposing more of Indian culture, it’s like white people have never seen colors in their life before.”

While 4-5 days of wedding events and guest lists averaging at 400 guests/event at South Asian weddings is staggering in itself, researchers claim that merely seeing a man with glitter on his outfit will get white people going for months.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. The colors. I mean everyone was wearing a different color. I saw pink. I saw blue. I saw parrot green. I didn’t even know these existed.” raved Brian Applebaum, “I was medically diagnosed as colorblind before attending Aakash’s wedding to be quite honest.”

“I wear a tan cardigan to work every day,” added Madison Applebaum, “After Aakash’s color bender I’m considering wearing something exotic instead – perhaps a polka dotted cardigan.”

[Read: White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

music, news, Social

Indian Fuckboi Association Discovers Passion Fruit Is An Actual Fruit

Written by Rani Shah

April 19th, 2017

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CHICAGO, IL – Fervor surrounding Drake’s latest album release, More Life, continues among music fans. The Indian Fuckboi Association (IFA) in particular has been affected deeply by this album release – many members learning that passion fruit is not a only euphemism but also a literal fruit.

Past the counter tops cluttered with bags of creatine powder and Indian snacks from their moms, IFA’s fridge has suddenly been stocked with passion fruit flavored Chobani Greek yogurt.

IFA Communications Officer, Harish Kumar, was shocked at the new development, “I was at HQ looking for a snack and when I opened the fridge I was like whattttt this shit is a real flavor?!”

Members of the IFA will often enjoy this sweet treat while polishing their diamond earring studs, some have even bought the fruit itself. Unable to use knives properly, many passion fruits lay around IFA HQ until someone’s girlfriend visits and cuts it herself.

More Life has also prompted multiple IFA members to plan a roadtrip to Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine, according to the National Tourism Bureau.

[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]

business, Uncategorized

India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs

[Originally published on Brown Girl Magazine]

LONDON, UK – British retailer, ASOS, recently came under fire for selling an obvious tikka as a ‘Chandelier Hair Clip’ on their website. Continue reading “India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs” →

politics

Angry South Asian Fathers Find Inspiration From White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer

Written by Rani Shah

April 4th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, is known for his impassioned, rude, and often baseless statements regarding domestic and international politics.

Americans everywhere generally regard Spicer as a hot head and oftentimes describe his rebuttals as ‘toddler like’. One group of Americans, however, seem to find an uncanny resemblance to Spicer’s methods of conflict to that of their fathers.

Indian-Americans, Radhika Shah and Prashant Suresh reached out to Fuss Class News to share their experience.

“At first when I noticed Spicer talking up there and giving random, illogical rebuttals to the journalists I was like, ‘Whoa, where I have I experienced this before?'”, remarked Ms. Shah

“I agree with Radhika”, quipped Mr. Suresh, “There was an almost eerie connection I felt with Spicer’s yelling and refusal to listen to basic reasoning.”

Ms. Shah added, “I only realized after I got in trouble with my dad for not waking up before 8 a.m while I was on vacation that this style of seething anger and erratic yelling is what I’m used to. One time I wore open toed shoes in winter and my dad got so angry that he said my attempts at medical school were futile because I lack common sense.”

Mr. Suresh chuckled at Ms. Shah’s comments, “Oh I know what you mean Radhika. Remember when Spicer yelled at a reporter for nodding her head? One time I did that and got slapped twice!”

Upon asking what his relationship with his father is currently like, Mr. Suresh had this to say, “I only talk to him about money and career. Never anything emotional, or impactful, or inspirational, or anything other than business talk. It’s better for us all this way. I love my dad.”