CHICAGO, IL – “Visiting friends, enjoying the food served by the temple, and having the chance to meditate” are just a few reasons the Mehta’s cite as to what they look forward to every Diwali season at their Chicago temple. Continue reading “Girl Enters Temple on Her Period; Nothing Happens”
SUBURBIA, USA – “You looked better with long hair betaaaa,” cooed the various aunties circled around 25-year-old Sanjana Soni, “And so thin! My oh my, are you eating nowadays? This is too thin!”
“I love my hair short,” nervously laughed Ms. Soni, “Fits my personality better, plus my neck doesn’t get all sweaty!”
The auntie mob clicked their tongues and nodded their heads in disapproval, it was wedding season and they were concerned with how short hair will look while wearing a sari or legenga choli – outfits that Ms. Soni wore twice a year.
With occurrences like this happening at a shocking rate of twice per family party and/or wedding, the board of the Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) has been scrambling to maintain their image.
“Back in the 90’s we were known to keep the peace and only judge when young girls weren’t feminine enough,” explains DAAA President, Sunita Auntie, “But the aunties of this generation are a hitting it where it hurts, we’re talking fat shaming, skinny shaming, career shaming, haircut shaming, the list is never ending!”
“Just last week we had to reprimand a member for judging a guest at a wedding for pursuing graphic design and not dentistry – we’re afraid this behavior will sink the DAAA’s approval rating and will result in a funding cut.” says DAAA VP, Jyoti Auntie.
The DAAA’s funding source is primarily Zee TV and Kellyanne Conway’s personal bank account.
As the auntie mob surrounding Ms. Soni continued, she quickly checked into her flight, made sure it was indeed a one-way ticket, and tucked her short hair behind her ear.
ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s SASA (South Asian Student Association) formal season and students everywhere are preparing by going home to collect their favorite cultural outfits and stocking up on liquor for the pregame. As formal approaches, Fuss Class analysts find startling trends all across the country.
“It appears as though fights are at an all time high during these Spring months,” says Geeya Rai, Fuss Class News Analyst, “Men are drunkenly throwing punches over who flirted with ‘someone’s girl’ and women are fat-shaming and cursing at other women who hooked up with their crush. It’s quite shocking.”
While all SASA attendees are college students and pursuing serious careers in medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, journalism, and business, it seems that one thing does not progress in these communities: attitudes towards men and women having free will to do whatever the hell they want.
FCN (Fuss Class News) interviewed Rima Kandiwala, found crying in the bathroom and wiping mascara with her sari, “Karishma called me a fat bitch because I kissed her ex-boyfriend. Even though HE asked me to formal!”
Upon approaching Karishma Guriwal, she was found calming down her ex-boyfriend, not blaming him for kissing Rima and promising him that Rima was ‘bat shit crazy’.
Across the way, Sameer Lokhani and Sai Reddy were throwing punches at each other because ‘Sameer’s girl was holding hands with Sai’. While Sameer and his ex-girlfriend have not been dating for over 6 months, he made sure Sai’s lip was bleeding before walking away – even though Sameer had cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Karishma Guriwal 2 weeks into dating.
“We spent $10K on formal this year,” said Rima Kandiwala, SASA President, “I hope everyone enjoyed themselves!”
[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]
SUGAR LAND, TX – From the various trophies on their fireplace mantle to the wall full of framed certificates, the Gurusamy residence is no stranger to academic excellence. Continue reading “Token Golden Child, Vidya G., Actually Neighborhood’s Most Profitable Pot Dealer”
BALTIMORE, MD – March 8th celebrates International Women’s Day, a day of conversation and appreciation surrounding the topics of gender equality, women’s safety, and equal opportunities.
As Mr. Sandeep Amin sat down at the family dining table, he opened up that morning’s edition of the Washington Post and began reading about local events taking place in honor of International Women’s Day.
“See this, always respect women!”, Mr. Amin told his son sitting across the table, “It is always about respecting your mother and sister. Remember that.”
24 year old Harsh Amin silently nodded in agreement as he tweeted, “#HappyInternationalWomensDay”
As Mr. Amin and Harsh sat at the table, Mrs. Indu Amin was frantically making roti and stirring daal in the kitchen. She had gotten out of work 30 minutes late that day and knew how Mr. Amin’s temperament got if dinner wasn’t served before 7 p.m.
She placed the plates and the bowls of food on the table – “Finally! I was so hungry. Why has this taken so long for you lately?”, exclaimed Mr. Amin.
Harsh eyed the plates on the table and goes, “Mom – why did you make this daal again? I don’t want it again, just pass me the rice.”
“Where is your sister?”, asked Mrs. Amin, “PAYAL! Come down. Dinner!”
As 18 year old Payal Amin rushed downstairs, Mrs. Amin begins to go off, “Why didn’t you do the dishes yesterday? Look at the sink!”
“I was studying for my AP Exams”, responded Payal as she looked over at her brother Harsh who still lived at home and her father who didn’t know how to iron a shirt or make rice for himself, both quietly eating.
“Dude stop wearing yoga pants all the time – they’re too tight”, remarked Harsh.
Payal sat down at the dinner table as Harsh checked his phone to see how many people had favorited his tweet.
Fuss Class News 