Tag: trump

Following FCC Vote, Ajit Pai and Bobby Jindal Hit The Town With Chai Tea Lattes

WASHINGTON D.C – Following Thursday’s vote to repeal net neutrality laws in the US, FCC chairman Ajit Pai is set for celebration. Continue reading “Following FCC Vote, Ajit Pai and Bobby Jindal Hit The Town With Chai Tea Lattes”

Ajit Pai Tackles Net Neutrality To Prove He Didn’t Peak In Middle School

WASHINGTON D.C – FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, who in less than 10 days will push for the removal of net neutrality consumer protections, has dominated the headlines to the displeasure of everybody. Continue reading “Ajit Pai Tackles Net Neutrality To Prove He Didn’t Peak In Middle School”

Trump Appoints Sholay’s Gabbar Singh As U.S. Secretary of Defense

[Originally published in Brown Girl Magazine]

WASHINGTON D.C – As tensions with North Korea and the United States continue to rise, President Trump has taken it upon himself rearrange U.S. Department of Defense by firing yet another cabinet member, General James Mattis. Continue reading “Trump Appoints Sholay’s Gabbar Singh As U.S. Secretary of Defense”

Kantaben Scores Higher On US Citizenship Exam Than President Donald Trump

Written by Rani Shah

May 1st, 2017

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WASHINGTON D.C – Recent interview with the Washington Examiner’s Salena Zito reveals that President Donald Trump does not quite know why the United States Civil War occurred.

…why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?“, stated the President.

Taking one look at the USCIS Civics Practice Exam, one will notice that a sample question to obtain US Citizenship status is knowing why the Civil War began.

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Source: https://my.uscis.gov/

While the current President of the United States can barely pass an STD test, let alone the US Citizenship exam, groups of immigrants consistently scores high on these exams.

Upon arriving at the Indian Embassy in Washington D.C, Fuss Class News (FCN) approached 26-year-old Ankit Amin who was accompanying his 72-year-old grandmother, Kantaben Bhansali, applying for US citizenship.

Mr. Amin proudly remarked, “She’s a trooper. When she moved to the US she was a maid in NYC for an MBA student, now she’s running her own tutoring company for elementary school kids.”

“I have been studying for months now,” stated Kantaben Bhansali, “I was a school teacher back in Gujarat and have a degree in Literature from Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda. So no, I’m not too nervous.”

When asked what she’s most looking forward to with her imminent US citizen status, Mrs. Bhansali responded, “Advocating for the legalization of marijuana. Baapre baap it’s about time.”

[Read: White Saree Demand Skyrockets As South Asians Mourn America’s Future]

Angry South Asian Fathers Find Inspiration From White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer

Written by Rani Shah

April 4th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, is known for his impassioned, rude, and often baseless statements regarding domestic and international politics.

Americans everywhere generally regard Spicer as a hot head and oftentimes describe his rebuttals as ‘toddler like’. One group of Americans, however, seem to find an uncanny resemblance to Spicer’s methods of conflict to that of their fathers.

Indian-Americans, Radhika Shah and Prashant Suresh reached out to Fuss Class News to share their experience.

“At first when I noticed Spicer talking up there and giving random, illogical rebuttals to the journalists I was like, ‘Whoa, where I have I experienced this before?'”, remarked Ms. Shah

“I agree with Radhika”, quipped Mr. Suresh, “There was an almost eerie connection I felt with Spicer’s yelling and refusal to listen to basic reasoning.”

Ms. Shah added, “I only realized after I got in trouble with my dad for not waking up before 8 a.m while I was on vacation that this style of seething anger and erratic yelling is what I’m used to. One time I wore open toed shoes in winter and my dad got so angry that he said my attempts at medical school were futile because I lack common sense.”

Mr. Suresh chuckled at Ms. Shah’s comments, “Oh I know what you mean Radhika. Remember when Spicer yelled at a reporter for nodding her head? One time I did that and got slapped twice!”

Upon asking what his relationship with his father is currently like, Mr. Suresh had this to say, “I only talk to him about money and career. Never anything emotional, or impactful, or inspirational, or anything other than business talk. It’s better for us all this way. I love my dad.”

Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed by President Donald Trump

Written by Rani Shah

February 15, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – The Trump administration has recently met with controversy after their apparent support and endorsement of the Indian Fuckboi Association (IFA). Fuss Class reporters discovered close to $50 thousand dollars in donations that IFA accepted from the Trump administration over the last month.

When asked why President Trump would support such a niche organization, the IFA responded, “It’s great how our communication strategy of snapchatting girls and never being able to have deep conversations in person without gaslighting is exemplified by this administration”, remarked Dishan S., President of the IFA and recent ITT Tech grad, who prides himself on flirting with girls that are still in college and notably younger than him while he himself graduated over 3 years ago.

Fuss Class News dropped in on a biweekly IFA meeting to better understand the inner workings of the organization.

Members sit in  chairs arranged in a large circle while blasting Drake and having fervent discussion about how much they “dropped on bottle service last night”. Clad in ‘Life of Pablo‘ merchandising and an undercut hairstyle – IFA members start out each meeting by chanting their mantra, “I’m not like other guys. You can trust me.” After chanting, each member begins talking about how their male friends in healthy, committed relationships are ‘whipped’.

When asked about their views on the current administration, Harish K., Communications Officer of IFA, was unavailable to comment, however, he did text Fuss Class News saying, “k stop acting like a bitch.”

IFA’s sister organization, the Dramatic Brown Girl Collective (DBGC), was also unavailable to comment.

Kumon Registration Quadruples As Betsy DeVos Confirmed To Lead Education Dept.

Written by Rani Shah

February 7th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.

Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.

Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”

“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”