Category: business

Sar-He™ Surpasses RompHim™ Sales This Holiday Season

MUMBAI, INDIA – With the recent success of the bold, new RompHim™ for men in the United States, boys and men nationwide have scrambled to get their hands on this novelty fashion piece. Continue reading “Sar-He™ Surpasses RompHim™ Sales This Holiday Season”

Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) Approval Rating Hits All Time Low

Written by Rani Shah

June 15th, 2017

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SUBURBIA, USA – “You looked better with long hair betaaaa,” cooed the various aunties circled around 25-year-old Sanjana Soni, “And so thin! My oh my, are you eating nowadays? This is too thin!”

“I love my hair short,” nervously laughed Ms. Soni, “Fits my personality better, plus my neck doesn’t get all sweaty!”

The auntie mob clicked their tongues and nodded their heads in disapproval, it was wedding season and they were concerned with how short hair will look while wearing a sari or legenga choli – outfits that Ms. Soni wore twice a year.

With occurrences like this happening at a shocking rate of twice per family party and/or wedding, the board of the Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) has been scrambling to maintain their image.

“Back in the 90’s we were known to keep the peace and only judge when young girls weren’t feminine enough,” explains DAAA President, Sunita Auntie,  “But the aunties of this generation are a hitting it where it hurts, we’re talking fat shaming, skinny shaming, career shaming, haircut shaming, the list is never ending!”

“Just last week we had to reprimand a member for judging a guest at a wedding for pursuing graphic design and not dentistry – we’re afraid this behavior will sink the DAAA’s approval rating and will result in a funding cut.” says DAAA VP, Jyoti Auntie.

The DAAA’s funding source is primarily Zee TV and Kellyanne Conway’s personal bank account.

As the auntie mob surrounding Ms. Soni continued, she quickly checked into her flight, made sure it was indeed a one-way ticket, and tucked her short hair behind her ear.

 

 

White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala

Written by Rani Shah

June 13th, 2017

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ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s been 2 months since Pratik Shastri began working at a local legal firm. Specializing in corporate law, he is confident he’s found the right firm to propel his career forward.

“I feel challenged and am surrounded by really bright attorneys,” explains Mr. Shastri, “I’m excited for my future here.”

Like most workplaces in America, Mr. Shastri is a minority in his office. As such, he is no stranger to his white coworkers trying their best to ‘relate to his background.’

“I just LOVE naan and chicken tikka masala,” gushes Brian Perkins, “I’m all about that spice. I’ve been asking Pratik if he wants to get some with me for the past few weeks.”

Upon asking what other Indian dishes he enjoyed, Brian admitted, “I’ve tried chai lattes before but nothing else really. I’m not sure I’ll like curry – plus I don’t want anything that you can’t eat with a fork.”

“I’m from Chicago,” said Mr. Shastri, “Some decent pizza for lunch would be nice.”

[ReadIndia Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs]

Token Golden Child, Vidya G., Actually Neighborhood’s Most Profitable Pot Dealer

Written by Rani Shah

April 20th, 2017

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SUGAR LAND, TX – From the various trophies on their fireplace mantle to the wall full of framed certificates, the Gurusamy residence is no stranger to academic excellence.

Upon asking around the suburban Texan Indian-American community, Gautam and Sonia Gurusamy are parents of the most talked about student at family parties, their daughter Vidya Gurusamy.

“Vidya just got recognized as a National AP Scholar!” gushed Mrs. Gurusamy when asked about her daughter.

“Don’t forget about the MIT and Stanford computer science programs she was accepted into last month,” chimed in Mr. Gurusamy.

Visiting the local high school, her peers recognized additional accolades in her name. 12th grader and salutatorian for the Class of 2017, Kelly Liu added, “She scored a 1200 on her SAT, 5’s on every single AP exam AND she’s president of the Debate Team. She was also voted Most Likely To Take Over The World this year.”

Unbeknownst to most, Vidya’s successes are not limited to the classroom. Known colloquially as Vape Kween, an anonymous source shared that she yields anywhere between $8 – $10K per month selling marijuana products.

Importing goods from Colorado and Washington, such as THC cartridges, entire buds, pre-rolled joints, and even chocolate edibles – Vidya’s operation is not only discrete but extremely efficient. Her mastery and access to the dark web makes her the only dealer in a 500 mile radius who accepts credit card, debit card, Venmo, and Bitcoin.

Fuss Class News approached Vidya while she was shopping for Visine at the local Walgreens. She declined to comment.

Coachella Music Festival Leads to Widespread Bindi Shortages

Written by Sona Desai

April 14th, 2017

SEATTLE, WA – Wholesaler Amazon has noted sudden shortages of the bindi, a traditional embellishment worn by Indian women. Fuss Class Analysts note that it’s difficult to know whether this shortage is due to music festival Coachella happening this weekend or the upcoming Indian wedding season.  

Seasoned Coachella-goer Emily Jenkins voiced her enthusiasm over bindis, “I brought these stickers to Burning Man, and everyone loved them! Also, my yoga instructor, Celeste, wears one all the time. I feel like I was Indian in another life.”

Second generation Indian-American and Seattle native, Deepa Nayar admits the shortage has left her confused and annoyed.

“It’s pretty weird. As a teenager, my non-Indian friends made fun of my chutney sandwiches, funky looking Indian chappals, and the smell of incense burning in my house”, mentions Miss Nayar, “now I see those same people taking these elements of my culture to make a basic-ass statement. I can’t believe Amazon is SOLD OUT OF BINDI’S! Not looking forward to another wedding of Jigisha auntie whispering about how I’m ‘out of touch with the culture’”

Amazon teams have noted customer complaints like Deepa’s and have offered free temporary Om tattoos in lieu of all unfulfilled bindi orders.  

India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs

[Originally published on Brown Girl Magazine]

LONDON, UK – British retailer, ASOS, recently came under fire for selling an obvious tikka as a ‘Chandelier Hair Clip’ on their website. Continue reading “India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs”

Kumon Registration Quadruples As Betsy DeVos Confirmed To Lead Education Dept.

Written by Rani Shah

February 7th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.

Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.

Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”

“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”