Tag: Science

Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner

LAS VEGAS, NV – The waiter had finished naming off the Chef’s Specials and asked the table if they needed a few minutes before beginning their drink order. Continue reading “Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner”

‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ Found To Be Primary Reason For Wedding Reception Attendance

LONDON, EN – With wedding season in North America reaching its peak during the summer months, researchers have honed in on patterns occurring at most Indian-American weddings. Continue reading “‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ Found To Be Primary Reason For Wedding Reception Attendance”

Kumon Registration Quadruples As Betsy DeVos Confirmed To Lead Education Dept.

Written by Rani Shah

February 7th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.

Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.

Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”

“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”

Study Shows Indian/Pakistani Drama Soundtracks May Cause Anxiety Disorders

Written by Akshay Patel

December 23rd, 2016

BETHESDA, MD – Ever come home for winter break after a stressful bout of finals awaiting a stress free environment filled with Pani Puri and Bollywood classics only to be greeted by your Dadi (grandmother) watching the most dramatic sounding drama ever produced?

Well, you’re not alone. Recently, researchers at the NIH have discovered a strong correlation between hearing the soundtracks played during dramatic scenes on modern Indian/Pakistani dramas and the manifestation of anxiety disorder among South Asian youth.

“It’s a common problem as these scenes have become very long.” stated Dr. Patel. “Just the other day I saw an episode of Saraswatichandra and the camera panned from Auntie to Dadi to Dada, and back to Auntie – only to continue the cycle repeatedly for two minutes.”

Dr. Patel recommends taking preventative measures to reduce the effects. “There are always the options of lowering the volume or changing the channel, but if all else fails do not be afraid to tell your grandparents something drastic in order to catch their attention and eventually turn off the TV – like telling them that you’re dating a white person.”

Scientists Discover Indian Cooking Method Which Leaves No Trace of Smell On Clothing

Written by Rani Shah

December 23rd, 2016

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists at the University of Chicago’s Olfactory Department have discovered an unprecedented method for cooking Indian food earlier this week – one that essentially guarantees no residual smells on clothing after a family dinner.

The cooking technique, commonly called the “The Fan Method”, involves turning the exhaust fan on while cooking a meal – something many families are currently not aware of.

“It’s awesome, my white friends have finally stopped making fun of me on the bus”, says local 4th grader, Raj Shah.

In extreme cases, such as when frying puri or fish, scientists urge homeowners to purchase two exhaust fans and alert their children to donate all their remaining clothing to Goodwill.