Tag: indian

Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) Approval Rating Hits All Time Low

Written by Rani Shah

June 15th, 2017

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SUBURBIA, USA – “You looked better with long hair betaaaa,” cooed the various aunties circled around 25-year-old Sanjana Soni, “And so thin! My oh my, are you eating nowadays? This is too thin!”

“I love my hair short,” nervously laughed Ms. Soni, “Fits my personality better, plus my neck doesn’t get all sweaty!”

The auntie mob clicked their tongues and nodded their heads in disapproval, it was wedding season and they were concerned with how short hair will look while wearing a sari or legenga choli – outfits that Ms. Soni wore twice a year.

With occurrences like this happening at a shocking rate of twice per family party and/or wedding, the board of the Desi Auntie Approval Association (DAAA) has been scrambling to maintain their image.

“Back in the 90’s we were known to keep the peace and only judge when young girls weren’t feminine enough,” explains DAAA President, Sunita Auntie,  “But the aunties of this generation are a hitting it where it hurts, we’re talking fat shaming, skinny shaming, career shaming, haircut shaming, the list is never ending!”

“Just last week we had to reprimand a member for judging a guest at a wedding for pursuing graphic design and not dentistry – we’re afraid this behavior will sink the DAAA’s approval rating and will result in a funding cut.” says DAAA VP, Jyoti Auntie.

The DAAA’s funding source is primarily Zee TV and Kellyanne Conway’s personal bank account.

As the auntie mob surrounding Ms. Soni continued, she quickly checked into her flight, made sure it was indeed a one-way ticket, and tucked her short hair behind her ear.

 

 

White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala

ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s been 2 months since Pratik Shastri began working at a local legal firm. Specializing in corporate law, he is confident he’s found the right firm to propel his career forward. Continue reading “White Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala”

Mom Continues To Yell During International Calls Despite 20 Years Of Technological Advancements

ATLANTA, GA – 27-year-old Rabiya Khan was awoken by loud, consistent yelling on Saturday morning at her parent’s home in suburban Atlanta. Continue reading “Mom Continues To Yell During International Calls Despite 20 Years Of Technological Advancements”

Kantaben Scores Higher On US Citizenship Exam Than President Donald Trump

WASHINGTON D.C – Recent interview with the Washington Examiner’s Salena Zito reveals that President Donald Trump does not quite know why the United States Civil War occurred. Continue reading “Kantaben Scores Higher On US Citizenship Exam Than President Donald Trump”

SASA Formals Found To Divide, Rather Than Unite, South Asian-American Communites

Written by Rani Shah

April 29th, 2017

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ST. LOUIS, MO – It’s SASA (South Asian Student Association) formal season and students everywhere are preparing by going home to collect their favorite cultural outfits and stocking up on liquor for the pregame. As formal approaches, Fuss Class analysts find startling trends all across the country.

“It appears as though fights are at an all time high during these Spring months,” says Geeya Rai, Fuss Class News Analyst, “Men are drunkenly throwing punches over who flirted with ‘someone’s girl’ and women are fat-shaming and cursing at other women who hooked up with their crush. It’s quite shocking.”

While all SASA attendees are college students and pursuing serious careers in medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, journalism, and business, it seems that one thing does not progress in these communities: attitudes towards men and women having free will to do whatever the hell they want.

FCN (Fuss Class News) interviewed Rima Kandiwala, found crying in the bathroom and wiping mascara with her sari, “Karishma called me a fat bitch because I kissed her ex-boyfriend. Even though HE asked me to formal!”

Upon approaching Karishma Guriwal, she was found calming down her ex-boyfriend, not blaming him for kissing Rima and promising him that Rima was ‘bat shit crazy’.

Across the way, Sameer Lokhani and Sai Reddy were throwing punches at each other because ‘Sameer’s girl was holding hands with Sai’. While Sameer and his ex-girlfriend have not been dating for over 6 months, he made sure Sai’s lip was bleeding before walking away – even though Sameer had cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Karishma Guriwal 2 weeks into dating.

“We spent $10K on formal this year,” said Rima Kandiwala, SASA President, “I hope everyone enjoyed themselves!”

[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]

Token Golden Child, Vidya G., Actually Neighborhood’s Most Profitable Pot Dealer

SUGAR LAND, TX – From the various trophies on their fireplace mantle to the wall full of framed certificates, the Gurusamy residence is no stranger to academic excellence. Continue reading “Token Golden Child, Vidya G., Actually Neighborhood’s Most Profitable Pot Dealer”

Indian Fuckboi Association Discovers Passion Fruit Is An Actual Fruit

Written by Rani Shah

April 19th, 2017

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CHICAGO, IL – Fervor surrounding Drake’s latest album release, More Life, continues among music fans. The Indian Fuckboi Association (IFA) in particular has been affected deeply by this album release – many members learning that passion fruit is not a only euphemism but also a literal fruit.

Past the counter tops cluttered with bags of creatine powder and Indian snacks from their moms, IFA’s fridge has suddenly been stocked with passion fruit flavored Chobani Greek yogurt.

IFA Communications Officer, Harish Kumar, was shocked at the new development, “I was at HQ looking for a snack and when I opened the fridge I was like whattttt this shit is a real flavor?!”

Members of the IFA will often enjoy this sweet treat while polishing their diamond earring studs, some have even bought the fruit itself. Unable to use knives properly, many passion fruits lay around IFA HQ until someone’s girlfriend visits and cuts it herself.

More Life has also prompted multiple IFA members to plan a roadtrip to Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine, according to the National Tourism Bureau.

[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]

Coachella Music Festival Leads to Widespread Bindi Shortages

Written by Sona Desai

April 14th, 2017

SEATTLE, WA – Wholesaler Amazon has noted sudden shortages of the bindi, a traditional embellishment worn by Indian women. Fuss Class Analysts note that it’s difficult to know whether this shortage is due to music festival Coachella happening this weekend or the upcoming Indian wedding season.  

Seasoned Coachella-goer Emily Jenkins voiced her enthusiasm over bindis, “I brought these stickers to Burning Man, and everyone loved them! Also, my yoga instructor, Celeste, wears one all the time. I feel like I was Indian in another life.”

Second generation Indian-American and Seattle native, Deepa Nayar admits the shortage has left her confused and annoyed.

“It’s pretty weird. As a teenager, my non-Indian friends made fun of my chutney sandwiches, funky looking Indian chappals, and the smell of incense burning in my house”, mentions Miss Nayar, “now I see those same people taking these elements of my culture to make a basic-ass statement. I can’t believe Amazon is SOLD OUT OF BINDI’S! Not looking forward to another wedding of Jigisha auntie whispering about how I’m ‘out of touch with the culture’”

Amazon teams have noted customer complaints like Deepa’s and have offered free temporary Om tattoos in lieu of all unfulfilled bindi orders.  

India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs

[Originally published on Brown Girl Magazine]

LONDON, UK – British retailer, ASOS, recently came under fire for selling an obvious tikka as a ‘Chandelier Hair Clip’ on their website. Continue reading “India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs”

Angry South Asian Fathers Find Inspiration From White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer

Written by Rani Shah

April 4th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, is known for his impassioned, rude, and often baseless statements regarding domestic and international politics.

Americans everywhere generally regard Spicer as a hot head and oftentimes describe his rebuttals as ‘toddler like’. One group of Americans, however, seem to find an uncanny resemblance to Spicer’s methods of conflict to that of their fathers.

Indian-Americans, Radhika Shah and Prashant Suresh reached out to Fuss Class News to share their experience.

“At first when I noticed Spicer talking up there and giving random, illogical rebuttals to the journalists I was like, ‘Whoa, where I have I experienced this before?'”, remarked Ms. Shah

“I agree with Radhika”, quipped Mr. Suresh, “There was an almost eerie connection I felt with Spicer’s yelling and refusal to listen to basic reasoning.”

Ms. Shah added, “I only realized after I got in trouble with my dad for not waking up before 8 a.m while I was on vacation that this style of seething anger and erratic yelling is what I’m used to. One time I wore open toed shoes in winter and my dad got so angry that he said my attempts at medical school were futile because I lack common sense.”

Mr. Suresh chuckled at Ms. Shah’s comments, “Oh I know what you mean Radhika. Remember when Spicer yelled at a reporter for nodding her head? One time I did that and got slapped twice!”

Upon asking what his relationship with his father is currently like, Mr. Suresh had this to say, “I only talk to him about money and career. Never anything emotional, or impactful, or inspirational, or anything other than business talk. It’s better for us all this way. I love my dad.”