In partnership with Handsome Brown Guy apparel.
1. Be woke but pay for all our dates: Yes, it’s 2018 and feminism is all about equality but when the bill comes I will be personally offended that you didn’t pay for our $16 cocktails. Sure, I work for a tech company and actually might make more than you but I haven’t signed up for a Venmo account for this exact situation.
2. Have a full head of hair and a beard but a chest as hairless as a dolphin: I want to run my fingers through your hair like I’m a damn cat. Your mom may not like your beard but I need to know you can grow one, otherwise, how will I know you’re a man? Your chest though, yea, take a cue from an Abercrombie model.
3. Be more sensitive than your dad but don’t cry. That’s not hot: Let’s talk about our feelings and listen to one another. I want to hear you express yourself like your dad never did. Please don’t cry though, doesn’t matter if it’s in the middle of watching Coco or Up — I like my men like my shampoo, tear-free.
4. Bonus points for being on a dance team and breaking into dance at completely inappropriate times just so we know you can definitely dance: Balle balle, bitch.
5. Listen to Drake but like don’t listen to Drake, ya know?: Drake is a sensitive soul but getting all introspective like him isn’t what I’m about. Memorize the “I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry” line and yell it every time God’s Plan plays so I know you truly listen to Drake.
6. Indian accents are embarrassing because people might catch on that you’re…Indian: Look desi, feel desi, act desi, but sounding desi? What will my friends say?
7. Literally be Ranveer Singh.