Tag: Social

Friend Pumped About “happy wife is happy life” Wedding Speech

CHICAGO, IL – As the marriage ceremonies of Anand and Heta Sharma took place this last weekend, families and friends prepared for a speech and dance-filled wedding reception. Continue reading “Friend Pumped About “happy wife is happy life” Wedding Speech”

Mom Continues To Yell During International Calls Despite 20 Years Of Technological Advancements

Written by Rani Shah

June 12th, 2017

phone desi

ATLANTA, GA – 27-year-old Rabiya Khan was awoken by loud, consistent yelling on Saturday morning at her parent’s home in suburban Atlanta.

Visiting her parents for Memorial Day weekend, loud yelling in the early hours of the weekend isn’t uncommon. She explains, “They’re calling my relatives in Pakistan. With the time difference it makes sense to call them at 8 or 9 AM.”

Upon venturing downstairs, Fuss Class News found Ms. Khan’s mother, Shahnaz Khan, loudly screaming into the mouthpiece of her cordless phone.

“YES. YES EVERYONE IS GREAT. YES CAN YOU HEAR ME? YES. RABIYA JUST STARTED HER NEW JOB AT – WHAT? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

“The yelling is a mystery,” says Ms. Khan, a software engineer, “My parents are assuming the same call quality they had in 1995. I’ve tried explaining it to them but these are the same people who insist their Android phones from 5 years ago are also just fine.”

Upon asking Ms. Khan’s relatives in Pakistan, they felt quite differently, “We think poor Shahnaz has a hearing problem and just can’t hear us. Either that or we just assumed Americans love yelling.”

[ReadDaughter With Hair On Arms Gets Engaged To Great Guy; Family Confused]

Father and Son Celebrate International Women’s Day By Asking Mom What’s For Dinner

Written by Rani Shah

March 8th, 2017

BALTIMORE, MD – March 8th celebrates International Women’s Day, a day of conversation and appreciation surrounding the topics of gender equality, women’s safety, and equal opportunities.

As Mr. Sandeep Amin sat down at the family dining table, he opened up that morning’s edition of the Washington Post and began reading about local events taking place in honor of International Women’s Day.

“See this, always respect women!”, Mr. Amin told his son sitting across the table, “It is always about respecting your mother and sister. Remember that.”

24 year old Harsh Amin silently nodded in agreement as he tweeted, “#HappyInternationalWomensDay

As Mr. Amin and Harsh sat at the table, Mrs. Indu Amin was frantically making roti and stirring daal in the kitchen. She had gotten out of work 30 minutes late that day and knew how Mr. Amin’s temperament got if dinner wasn’t served before 7 p.m.

She placed the plates and the bowls of food on the table – “Finally! I was so hungry. Why has this taken so long for you lately?”, exclaimed Mr. Amin.

Harsh eyed the plates on the table and goes, “Mom – why did you make this daal again? I don’t want it again, just pass me the rice.”

“Where is your sister?”, asked Mrs. Amin, “PAYAL! Come down. Dinner!”

As 18 year old Payal Amin rushed downstairs, Mrs. Amin begins to go off, “Why didn’t you do the dishes yesterday? Look at the sink!”

“I was studying for my AP Exams”, responded Payal as she looked over at her brother Harsh who still lived at home and her father who didn’t know how to iron a shirt or make rice for himself, both quietly eating.

“Dude stop wearing yoga pants all the time – they’re too tight”, remarked Harsh.

Payal sat down at the dinner table as Harsh checked his phone to see how many people had favorited his tweet.

 

 

 

Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed by President Donald Trump

Written by Rani Shah

February 15, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – The Trump administration has recently met with controversy after their apparent support and endorsement of the Indian Fuckboi Association (IFA). Fuss Class reporters discovered close to $50 thousand dollars in donations that IFA accepted from the Trump administration over the last month.

When asked why President Trump would support such a niche organization, the IFA responded, “It’s great how our communication strategy of snapchatting girls and never being able to have deep conversations in person without gaslighting is exemplified by this administration”, remarked Dishan S., President of the IFA and recent ITT Tech grad, who prides himself on flirting with girls that are still in college and notably younger than him while he himself graduated over 3 years ago.

Fuss Class News dropped in on a biweekly IFA meeting to better understand the inner workings of the organization.

Members sit in  chairs arranged in a large circle while blasting Drake and having fervent discussion about how much they “dropped on bottle service last night”. Clad in ‘Life of Pablo‘ merchandising and an undercut hairstyle – IFA members start out each meeting by chanting their mantra, “I’m not like other guys. You can trust me.” After chanting, each member begins talking about how their male friends in healthy, committed relationships are ‘whipped’.

When asked about their views on the current administration, Harish K., Communications Officer of IFA, was unavailable to comment, however, he did text Fuss Class News saying, “k stop acting like a bitch.”

IFA’s sister organization, the Dramatic Brown Girl Collective (DBGC), was also unavailable to comment.

Kumon Registration Quadruples As Betsy DeVos Confirmed To Lead Education Dept.

Written by Rani Shah

February 7th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.

Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.

Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”

“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”

Man Takes Dil Mil Date To Bar With Sports Playing On Television

Written by Rani Shah

January 7th, 2017

BOSTON, MA – Earlier this week, 25 year old Karthik Patel had successfully set up a day to meet a girl he had been messaging on popular South Asian dating app, Dil Mil.

“Kk see you Friday!” read the text he received from 24 year old Priya Sharma. Mr. Patel suggested that he and Ms. Sharma meet up at a local bar for a drink. He had been there once and the ambiance was ‘chill enough’ for a date.

Upon her arrival, Ms. Sharma realized, to her dismay, that the bar which Mr. Patel had chosen had several televisions all with various ESPN networks being shown.

While talking about how much they ‘love travel’ and how Mr. Patel goes home every weekend to get Indian food from his mom, Ms. Sharma appreciated that he had barely glanced at SportsCenter being shown on the TV behind her. An hour and half later, Ms. Sharma politely left and told Mr. Patel that she had had a “really good time.”

Upon asking Ms. Sharma how she felt about the date she said, “He was cool! Cute and actually really funny. Plus he didn’t talk about how he wants to get an MBA the entire time – better than most dates I’ve been on.”

“She was super chill and smart. I think I’ll ask her to watch the Pat’s game at my friends place next week”, remarked Mr. Patel.

Family Receives Same Bath & Body Works Set They Had Re-Gifted Three Years Prior

Written by Rani Shah

December 25th, 2016

SEATTLE, WA – Early this Christmas morning, Alpa and Rajesh Chatterjee watched as their young children excitedly opened presents in the living room. While the children searched for more presents, Mrs. Chatterjee notices a boxy gift bag towards the back of the tree.

Upon inspection, the present is labelled “To Alpa and Rajesh” with a festive snowman drawn next to their names. Mr. Chatterjee recalls that the only other Indian family on the block had recently dropped the gift bag off.

Mrs. Chatterjee opened the bag and reportedly discovered a Japanese Cherry Blossom gift set from Bath & Body Works – complete with a lotion, bath wash, and that weird body mist spray that nobody ever takes seriously. She also noticed a familiar looking gift tag which had been mostly scratched off the surface of the box.

“We received this same gift set from a neighbor when we moved into this house five years ago, I recognize the faded tag. I re-gifted it to a family friend’s daughter for her 4th birthday three years ago”, recalls Mrs. Chatterjee.

Mr. Chatterjee offered a quick solution, “Let’s just give it to my sister’s kids in India when we visit in February. They love that shit.”