Tag: south asian

Indian Fuckboi Association Discovers Passion Fruit Is An Actual Fruit

Written by Rani Shah

April 19th, 2017

IMG_3749

CHICAGO, IL – Fervor surrounding Drake’s latest album release, More Life, continues among music fans. The Indian Fuckboi Association (IFA) in particular has been affected deeply by this album release – many members learning that passion fruit is not a only euphemism but also a literal fruit.

Past the counter tops cluttered with bags of creatine powder and Indian snacks from their moms, IFA’s fridge has suddenly been stocked with passion fruit flavored Chobani Greek yogurt.

IFA Communications Officer, Harish Kumar, was shocked at the new development, “I was at HQ looking for a snack and when I opened the fridge I was like whattttt this shit is a real flavor?!”

Members of the IFA will often enjoy this sweet treat while polishing their diamond earring studs, some have even bought the fruit itself. Unable to use knives properly, many passion fruits lay around IFA HQ until someone’s girlfriend visits and cuts it herself.

More Life has also prompted multiple IFA members to plan a roadtrip to Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine, according to the National Tourism Bureau.

[Read: Indian Fuckboi Association Endorsed By President Donald Trump]

Coachella Music Festival Leads to Widespread Bindi Shortages

Written by Sona Desai

April 14th, 2017

SEATTLE, WA – Wholesaler Amazon has noted sudden shortages of the bindi, a traditional embellishment worn by Indian women. Fuss Class Analysts note that it’s difficult to know whether this shortage is due to music festival Coachella happening this weekend or the upcoming Indian wedding season.  

Seasoned Coachella-goer Emily Jenkins voiced her enthusiasm over bindis, “I brought these stickers to Burning Man, and everyone loved them! Also, my yoga instructor, Celeste, wears one all the time. I feel like I was Indian in another life.”

Second generation Indian-American and Seattle native, Deepa Nayar admits the shortage has left her confused and annoyed.

“It’s pretty weird. As a teenager, my non-Indian friends made fun of my chutney sandwiches, funky looking Indian chappals, and the smell of incense burning in my house”, mentions Miss Nayar, “now I see those same people taking these elements of my culture to make a basic-ass statement. I can’t believe Amazon is SOLD OUT OF BINDI’S! Not looking forward to another wedding of Jigisha auntie whispering about how I’m ‘out of touch with the culture’”

Amazon teams have noted customer complaints like Deepa’s and have offered free temporary Om tattoos in lieu of all unfulfilled bindi orders.  

India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs

[Originally published on Brown Girl Magazine]

LONDON, UK – British retailer, ASOS, recently came under fire for selling an obvious tikka as a ‘Chandelier Hair Clip’ on their website. Continue reading “India Officially Renamed ‘Bollywood Land’ By White Marketing Execs”

Angry South Asian Fathers Find Inspiration From White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer

Written by Rani Shah

April 4th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, is known for his impassioned, rude, and often baseless statements regarding domestic and international politics.

Americans everywhere generally regard Spicer as a hot head and oftentimes describe his rebuttals as ‘toddler like’. One group of Americans, however, seem to find an uncanny resemblance to Spicer’s methods of conflict to that of their fathers.

Indian-Americans, Radhika Shah and Prashant Suresh reached out to Fuss Class News to share their experience.

“At first when I noticed Spicer talking up there and giving random, illogical rebuttals to the journalists I was like, ‘Whoa, where I have I experienced this before?'”, remarked Ms. Shah

“I agree with Radhika”, quipped Mr. Suresh, “There was an almost eerie connection I felt with Spicer’s yelling and refusal to listen to basic reasoning.”

Ms. Shah added, “I only realized after I got in trouble with my dad for not waking up before 8 a.m while I was on vacation that this style of seething anger and erratic yelling is what I’m used to. One time I wore open toed shoes in winter and my dad got so angry that he said my attempts at medical school were futile because I lack common sense.”

Mr. Suresh chuckled at Ms. Shah’s comments, “Oh I know what you mean Radhika. Remember when Spicer yelled at a reporter for nodding her head? One time I did that and got slapped twice!”

Upon asking what his relationship with his father is currently like, Mr. Suresh had this to say, “I only talk to him about money and career. Never anything emotional, or impactful, or inspirational, or anything other than business talk. It’s better for us all this way. I love my dad.”

Local Woman’s Fingers Remain Stained 18 Days After Eating Dosa

RICHMOND, VA – After grabbing lunch at her local South Indian diner, Balaji Express, Tania Reddy was more than satisfied with her meal. Continue reading “Local Woman’s Fingers Remain Stained 18 Days After Eating Dosa”

Father and Son Celebrate International Women’s Day By Asking Mom What’s For Dinner

Written by Rani Shah

March 8th, 2017

BALTIMORE, MD – March 8th celebrates International Women’s Day, a day of conversation and appreciation surrounding the topics of gender equality, women’s safety, and equal opportunities.

As Mr. Sandeep Amin sat down at the family dining table, he opened up that morning’s edition of the Washington Post and began reading about local events taking place in honor of International Women’s Day.

“See this, always respect women!”, Mr. Amin told his son sitting across the table, “It is always about respecting your mother and sister. Remember that.”

24 year old Harsh Amin silently nodded in agreement as he tweeted, “#HappyInternationalWomensDay

As Mr. Amin and Harsh sat at the table, Mrs. Indu Amin was frantically making roti and stirring daal in the kitchen. She had gotten out of work 30 minutes late that day and knew how Mr. Amin’s temperament got if dinner wasn’t served before 7 p.m.

She placed the plates and the bowls of food on the table – “Finally! I was so hungry. Why has this taken so long for you lately?”, exclaimed Mr. Amin.

Harsh eyed the plates on the table and goes, “Mom – why did you make this daal again? I don’t want it again, just pass me the rice.”

“Where is your sister?”, asked Mrs. Amin, “PAYAL! Come down. Dinner!”

As 18 year old Payal Amin rushed downstairs, Mrs. Amin begins to go off, “Why didn’t you do the dishes yesterday? Look at the sink!”

“I was studying for my AP Exams”, responded Payal as she looked over at her brother Harsh who still lived at home and her father who didn’t know how to iron a shirt or make rice for himself, both quietly eating.

“Dude stop wearing yoga pants all the time – they’re too tight”, remarked Harsh.

Payal sat down at the dinner table as Harsh checked his phone to see how many people had favorited his tweet.

 

 

 

School Bullies Realize Nerdy Brown Kid Is Related To Local Dentist, Doctor, and Parents’ Accountant

Written by Rani Shah

February 27th, 2017

KANSAS CITY, MO – Every day after his last class, Sanjay Chowdary would reluctantly make his way to his locker where he knew the 3 meanest bullies in the 8th grade were awaiting him. Repeatedly being called ‘Osama bin Laden’, ‘7-11’, and ‘Curry Scented Bitch’, Sanjay had become an expert at holding back tears and channeling his anger into tennis practice after school.

After running out of every unoriginal insult they could think of, Zach Parker, Madison Gibson, and Chris Evans (otherwise known as the ‘The Drop Top Trio’ a.k.a the whitest group name they could have possibly come up with) finally left Sanjay alone for the day.

That weekend, Zach Parker’s parents drove him to his dentist’s office – Dr. Priyanka Chowdary, DDS. While in the waiting room, Zach received a group text from Madison reading, “d00d. I’m at the doctor’s office and her name is Dr. Anju Chowdary, MD. LOL the same last as that loser Sanjay!”

Zach smiled at his phone and replied, “lmfao, my dentist has the same last name tooooo!”

Their friend Chris replied within moments, “You’re kidding me. My parents dragged me to their accountant’s office and his name is, no joke, Abhijeet Chowdary, CPA.”

“OMG what if they’re all rel8ed”, texted back Zach jokingly, “I dare u guys to ask them if they know Sanjay!”

“done lol”, texted Madison and Chris.

After snickering to themselves, each member of ‘The Drop Top Trio’ eventually saw it.

The framed family portrait sitting in each of their respective waiting rooms – with none other than Sanjay Chowdary smiling out in between his MD mom, DDS sister, and CPA dad.

The following Monday, Sanjay cautiously walked to his locker after class and was greeted by…absolutely no one.

Kumon Registration Quadruples As Betsy DeVos Confirmed To Lead Education Dept.

Written by Rani Shah

February 7th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.

Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.

Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”

“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”

South Asian Family Makes Taco Bell Trip To Urgently Replenish FIRE Sauce

CHICAGO, IL – Last Wednesday night, the Gupta family of Schaumburg, Ill. ventured out at 8:15 pm to their neighborhood Taco Bell. However, it wasn’t the new Naked Chicken Chalupa that they were after. Continue reading “South Asian Family Makes Taco Bell Trip To Urgently Replenish FIRE Sauce”

Boy, Age 5, Disappoints Parents

PASADENA, CA – As 5-year-old Rohit Roy plays with his friends on the playground, his parents Jyoti and Dilip Roy watch in dismay.

Rohit, an extraordinarily gifted boy, was recently invited to compete in The State of California Spelling Championship – the winners of which are invited to The Scripps National Spelling Bee. After conquering words such as ‘prestidigitation’ and ‘mononuclidic’ he finished 3rd overall.

“He couldn’t win the state spelling bee,” says Mrs. Roy dejectedly. “Our eldest son, Ramesh, was able to win Scripps three years ago!” exclaims Mr. Roy, “I don’t know how Rohit will be competitive for MIT now with this setback.”

When FCN asked about his thoughts on the whole spelling bee experience, Rohit simply said, “I like trucks,” and swung away on the monkey bars.

Written by Rohan Shah

February 3rd, 2017