DES MOINES, IA – This Valentines Day, the Patel family decided to pass the evening with a family movie night after dinner. As usual, they sat in their basement home theater and popped in the latest Bollywood Blockbuster that their family friend, Preeti aunty, described as, “very different and good. A must watch!” Continue reading “Family Fast Forwards Through Bollywood Kiss Scene; Enjoys Item Girl Song”
Written by Rani Shah
WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.
Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.
Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”
“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”
CHICAGO, IL – Last Wednesday night, the Gupta family of Schaumburg, Ill. ventured out at 8:15 pm to their neighborhood Taco Bell. However, it wasn’t the new Naked Chicken Chalupa that they were after. Continue reading “South Asian Family Makes Taco Bell Trip To Urgently Replenish FIRE Sauce”
PASADENA, CA – As 5-year-old Rohit Roy plays with his friends on the playground, his parents Jyoti and Dilip Roy watch in dismay.
Rohit, an extraordinarily gifted boy, was recently invited to compete in The State of California Spelling Championship – the winners of which are invited to The Scripps National Spelling Bee. After conquering words such as ‘prestidigitation’ and ‘mononuclidic’ he finished 3rd overall.
“He couldn’t win the state spelling bee,” says Mrs. Roy dejectedly. “Our eldest son, Ramesh, was able to win Scripps three years ago!” exclaims Mr. Roy, “I don’t know how Rohit will be competitive for MIT now with this setback.”
When FCN asked about his thoughts on the whole spelling bee experience, Rohit simply said, “I like trucks,” and swung away on the monkey bars.
BARRINGTON, IL – Two aunties in their mid-forties were arrested and both charged with assault (and one with attempted robbery) after a dispute last weekend.
The incident occurred after a relatively uneventful family gathering.
“I was shoveling my driveway when my neighbor began fighting with one of her guests and tried to steal her purse”, said John Sherman, a perplexed bystander who initially called 911. “I was very confused, as my neighbor seems to be doing well financially and is normally very calm.”
Fuss Class News contacted one of the Barrington aunties involved in the altercation. “That bloody woman always gives too much money to my son every holiday so I gave it back to her…but then I saw her slipping it into his pocket a few minutes later,” the auntie stated. “I don’t know if it was the extra masala in my chai that morning, but I wasn’t having it and we got a little carried when I tried to put the money into her purse after she repeatedly refused to take it back.”
Barrington police issued a statement shortly after the charges were dropped: “In regards to the incident in question, charges have been dropped by both parties. The arrest seems to be our misinterpretation of a cultural norm. An apology has been issued, and our department has hired a cultural consultant from a local Mandir to ensure our training is up to date.”
WASHINGTON D.C – With recent developments surrounding questionable immigration and refugee policy, President Trump has begun communicating with world leaders on a more regular basis.
The Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi, is one such leader who has been in touch with Trump. Upon meeting, the Prime Minister had no issue pronouncing ‘Donald Trump’ – as Donald Duck is a favorite of Modi.
President Trump, however, has had multiple issues pronouncing the Prime Minister’s name. While it is only 3 syllables, Trump’s obvious speech and developmental disabilities has prevented him from properly pronouncing ‘Narendra’.
Even though small children in India can easily pronounce the Prime Minister’s name, President Trump did the usual and decided that “The White way is the right way” and now calls the Prime Minister ‘Ned’.
When asked, President Trump had the following to say, “Ned’s a great guy lemme tell ya – real champion and total inspiration for the Pakistani people….oh he’s not the PM of Pakistan? Wait he’s brown though, aren’t they all the same?”
AURORA, IL – Earlier this week, 23-year-old Sara Khan arrived at Zeenat Salon to get her eyebrows threaded. It had been 3 weeks since her last threading and her selfies were no longer packing the punch they usually did. Continue reading “Local Eyebrow Lady Destroys Self-Esteem By Always Asking, “Upper Lip?””
SAN JOSE, CA – “I don’t understand. I didn’t think this was possible”, remarked Jason Wong as he opened his report card.
When Mr. Wong saw the big “A-” next to his high school Calculus II course, he was at a loss for words. After he overcame his initial shock, his mind raced with possible explanations. The final conclusion? He had to be adopted.
“I mean, everyone jokes about how Asian kids are good at math, but this is one stereotype that is actually supposed to be true!”, said Mr. Wong, “I think my parents have been lying to me this whole time. I must not be Chinese at all.”
Mr. Wong points to further evidence, claiming that despite studying the piano for 10+ years, he has yet to place in any national piano competitions. Allegedly, he also likes eating beans.
When Jason confronted his parents, Wei and Alice Wong, they were equally perplexed.
“I labored for 42 hours, 18 minutes, and 32 seconds. I think I would have remembered if he was adopted. He must have been switched at birth. That’s the only explanation.”, exclaimed Mrs. Wong.
Jason always wanted to become a doctor or lawyer but he’s no longer so certain. With his identity shaken to its core, this high school student doesn’t even know if he wants to attend grad school anymore.
“I just don’t know who I am. If I’m not good at math, who am I?”
WASHINGTON D.C – The recent presidential inauguration of Donald Trump has spurred on an unconventional trend within the textile industry. White saree’s, commonly worn in the South Asian community during funerals and mourning periods, have seen a marked increase in demand since Friday’s presidential inauguration.
The last time white saree sales saw an increase was in the 1950’s due to deaths brought on by polio.
“It’s uncanny, the demand has nearly surpassed supply.”, remarks Professor Neha Singh, “The level to which factory workers are making fabric might force Indian manufacturers to import from China.”
Fuss Class News reached out to the Trump Administration for further comment but did not receive a reply due to their fear of brown people and their lack of understanding surrounding basic communication skills.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “It’s really annoying”, complained Tony Lin.
“We keep telling people we’re identical twins but nobody seems to believe us”, said Andy Lin.
This is a problem that identical twin brothers, Tony and Andy Lin, encounter all the time. Whenever they go to parties together and introduce themselves as twins, people just don’t believe them.
“I mean, I’m not racist, okay? I can tell the difference between two Asian people. They don’t all look alike”, said one partygoer, who insisted on remaining anonymous.
“Look, look, take a look at Tony”, he said while pointing at Andy. “Clearly he has blacker hair and his eyes are a little more narrow.”
As of late, Tony and Andy have stopped mentioning their sibling relationship. However, they continue to find themselves in uncomfortable situations, being mistaken for one another. In fact, Andy once had a heated make-out session with Tony’s girlfriend of 6 months, who also does not believe they are twin brothers.
“She came at me out of nowhere and before I knew it, we were kissing. Rather than awkwardly explaining that I wasn’t Tony, I just rolled with it”, said Andy.
When asked about that incident, Tony replied, “Andy’s cool like that. If she had known, it would only hurt her. She prides herself in being ‘color blind’ and accepting of all cultures.”
There are some upsides, though. The Lin brothers can grab as many free samples as they want at Costco without anyone accusing of them going for seconds.
Fuss Class News 