Tag: humor

news

Local Aunties Arrested Over Alleged Assault Following Gift Exchange

Written by Akshay Patel

February 3rd, 2017

BARRINGTON, IL – Two aunties in their mid-forties were arrested and both charged with assault (and one with attempted robbery) after a dispute last weekend.  

The incident occurred after a relatively uneventful family gathering.

“I was shoveling my driveway when my neighbor began fighting with one of her guests and tried to steal her purse”, said John Sherman, a perplexed bystander who initially called 911. “I was very confused, as my neighbor seems to be doing well financially and is normally very calm.”

Fuss Class News contacted one of the Barrington aunties involved in the altercation. “That bloody woman always gives too much money to my son every holiday so I gave it back to her…but then I saw her slipping it into his pocket a few minutes later,” the auntie stated. “I don’t know if it was the extra masala in my chai that morning, but I wasn’t having it and we got a little carried when I tried to put the money into her purse after she repeatedly refused to take it back.”

Barrington police issued a statement shortly after the charges were dropped: “In regards to the incident in question, charges have been dropped by both parties. The arrest seems to be our misinterpretation of a cultural norm. An apology has been issued, and our department has hired a cultural consultant from a local Mandir to ensure our training is up to date.”

 

beauty, Social

Local Eyebrow Lady Destroys Self-Esteem By Always Asking, “Upper Lip?”

AURORA, IL – Earlier this week, 23-year-old Sara Khan arrived at Zeenat Salon to get her eyebrows threaded. It had been 3 weeks since her last threading and her selfies were no longer packing the punch they usually did. Continue reading “Local Eyebrow Lady Destroys Self-Esteem By Always Asking, “Upper Lip?”” →

Social

Chinese Student Questions Ethnicity Based On Report Card Results

Written by Joseph Z Chen

January 26th, 2017

SAN JOSE, CA – “I don’t understand. I didn’t think this was possible”, remarked Jason Wong as he opened his report card.

When Mr. Wong saw the big “A-” next to his high school Calculus II course, he was at a loss for words. After he overcame his initial shock, his mind raced with possible explanations. The final conclusion? He had to be adopted.

“I mean, everyone jokes about how Asian kids are good at math, but this is one stereotype that is actually supposed to be true!”, said Mr. Wong, “I think my parents have been lying to me this whole time. I must not be Chinese at all.”

Mr. Wong points to further evidence, claiming that despite studying the piano for 10+ years, he has yet to place in any national piano competitions. Allegedly, he also likes eating beans.

When Jason confronted his parents, Wei and Alice Wong, they were equally perplexed.

“I labored for 42 hours, 18 minutes, and 32 seconds. I think I would have remembered if he was adopted. He must have been switched at birth. That’s the only explanation.”, exclaimed Mrs. Wong.

Jason always wanted to become a doctor or lawyer but he’s no longer so certain. With his identity shaken to its core, this high school student doesn’t even know if he wants to attend grad school anymore.

“I just don’t know who I am. If I’m not good at math, who am I?”

news, Social

Asian Twins Can’t Convince Strangers That They’re Actually Twins

Written by Joseph Z Chen

January 23rd, 2017

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “It’s really annoying”, complained Tony Lin.

“We keep telling people we’re identical twins but nobody seems to believe us”, said Andy Lin.

This is a problem that identical twin brothers, Tony and Andy Lin, encounter all the time.  Whenever they go to parties together and introduce themselves as twins, people just don’t believe them.

“I mean, I’m not racist, okay? I can tell the difference between two Asian people. They don’t all look alike”, said one partygoer, who insisted on remaining anonymous.

“Look, look, take a look at Tony”, he said while pointing at Andy.  “Clearly he has blacker hair and his eyes are a little more narrow.”

As of late, Tony and Andy have stopped mentioning their sibling relationship.  However, they continue to find themselves in uncomfortable situations, being mistaken for one another. In fact, Andy once had a heated make-out session with Tony’s girlfriend of 6 months, who also does not believe they are twin brothers.

“She came at me out of nowhere and before I knew it, we were kissing. Rather than awkwardly explaining that I wasn’t Tony, I just rolled with it”, said Andy.

When asked about that incident, Tony replied, “Andy’s cool like that. If she had known, it would only hurt her. She prides herself in being ‘color blind’ and accepting of all cultures.”

There are some upsides, though. The Lin brothers can grab as many free samples as they want at Costco without anyone accusing of them going for seconds.

politics

Widespread Speculation About Obama Pulling a “Modi” as Policy Swan Song

Written by Utsav Gandhi

January 12th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – As President Barack Obama counts down to his last days in office, the Indian-American community across the nation is engaged in a curious debate. Will President Obama take a cue from his Indian counterpart, Prime Minister Narendra Modi, and de-legitimize (or “de-tender”) $50 and $100 currency notes, overnight and with immediate effect?

Prime Minister Modi gave Indians living in India and abroad until December 31, 2016 to declare their assets and exchange their old currency notes that were no longer valid. This left many Indian-Americans who weren’t planning to travel to India anytime soon in a state of flux.

As opposed to Prime Minister Modi’s intentions, which were to curb corruption and thwart counterfeiters among terrorist organizations, President Obama feels that enacting such legislation right now will be a wonderful opportunity for Mr. Trump to “drain the swamp” right away, a priority the President-elect has been claiming to tackle. The legislation could also allow Trump to prove himself to the almost 3 million voters who placed Hillary Clinton ahead in the popular vote during the presidential election.

One wonders what impact such an action could have on everyday Americans – according to sources, Mr. Trump’s youngest son, Barron, receives multiples of $100 in pocket money on a regular basis.

Trump’s foremost economic advisers, many with former Wall Street ties and corporate experience, declined to comment. Waiting instead for an official word from the President-elect (or, as is more generally known, the daily morning tweet).

 

Social

Family Relationships Strained While Choreographing Dance For Aunt’s Wedding

Written by Rani Shah

January 12th, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – After creating the 4 minute Bollywood dance mix for their Aunt Shreya’s wedding, the Sharma cousins were finally ready to begin practicing.

During dance practice in the basement on Tuesday evening, a distant aunt visiting from New Jersey noticed how her 8-year old daughter wasn’t included in the cousins wedding dance.

“Why isn’t Reshma in this?”, asked Preeti masi, “Why are you trying to purposely exclude  her?”

The Sharma cousins looked at one another until their oldest cousin said, “We didn’t even know Reshma wanted to be in the dance. Wait…is she even here?” All the cousins suddenly realized that they hadn’t even seen Reshma the last few days.

“This is typical. You guys just like to leave her out of everything! Similar to what all your mom’s did to me as a child”, exclaimed Preeti masi.

As the other adults came downstairs to see what the noise was all about, the Sharma cousins noticed their little cousin Reshma silently mouthing, “Please don’t make me dance” from across the room, under the coffee table, hiding from her mom.

Social

Man Takes Dil Mil Date To Bar With Sports Playing On Television

Written by Rani Shah

January 7th, 2017

BOSTON, MA – Earlier this week, 25 year old Karthik Patel had successfully set up a day to meet a girl he had been messaging on popular South Asian dating app, Dil Mil.

“Kk see you Friday!” read the text he received from 24 year old Priya Sharma. Mr. Patel suggested that he and Ms. Sharma meet up at a local bar for a drink. He had been there once and the ambiance was ‘chill enough’ for a date.

Upon her arrival, Ms. Sharma realized, to her dismay, that the bar which Mr. Patel had chosen had several televisions all with various ESPN networks being shown.

While talking about how much they ‘love travel’ and how Mr. Patel goes home every weekend to get Indian food from his mom, Ms. Sharma appreciated that he had barely glanced at SportsCenter being shown on the TV behind her. An hour and half later, Ms. Sharma politely left and told Mr. Patel that she had had a “really good time.”

Upon asking Ms. Sharma how she felt about the date she said, “He was cool! Cute and actually really funny. Plus he didn’t talk about how he wants to get an MBA the entire time – better than most dates I’ve been on.”

“She was super chill and smart. I think I’ll ask her to watch the Pat’s game at my friends place next week”, remarked Mr. Patel.

business, news

Indian Meal Kit Service, Namaste Fresh, Aims to Impress In-Laws

Written by Karen Desai

January 7th, 2017

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Launched this year, Namaste Fresh is an ethnic meal-kit service that delivers a box of Indian recipes along with all the pre-packaged masala and ingredients needed to whip up “homemade” South Asian meals (including complex Jain recipes).

“Millennials today are dependent on food delivery and meal kits. But, millennial Indian women are still expected to impress their in-laws by making homemade Indian food from scratch. But, seriously, how am I supposed to do that? ” said 27 year old, Sonia Gupta.

Namaste Fresh has promised to help the new generation of Indian-American consumers like Ms. Gupta and has built its entire service around the tagline “Fake It To Make It With Your In-laws.”

With its largest customer bases in Edison, NJ; Naperville, IL; and Phoenix, AZ, this South Asian food service is in high demand – with usage spiking during the holiday season, otherwise known as the peak season to impress families.

Experts say the popularity of the ethnic meal-kit is due to a combination of on-demand services, an influx of immigrants to the U.S, American Born Confused Desis (ABCDs), and the busy schedules of a new breed of working women.

Social

International Grad Student Reviews Football and Weather To Prep For Major Job Interview

Written by Utsav Gandhi

January 3rd, 2017

AUSTIN, TX – Ram Mohan, a student from Varanasi, India, is currently enrolled in graduate school at the University of Texas at Austin. Having completed most of his two-year master’s program in mechanical engineering, he is now gearing up for job interviews for internships and full-time positions. Like other immigrants before him, he hopes to be a step closer towards realizing his and his parents’ dreams.

What he has realized though, is that simply having a strong grasp over his mechanical engineering subject matter expertise is not enough – instead, he has understood that “small-talk” in corporate America regarding weather and American football is crucial to start every conversation.

Manifesting itself in every office elevator ride, in restaurants in conversation with servers, at grocery stores before checking out, at the bus stop while waiting with fellow passengers, Mr. Mohan knows he must possess a working knowledge of the daily and weekly weather forecast as well as the current state of affairs regarding the Longhorns and Spurs if he is to gain any headway and score “brownie points” with interviewers.

Mr. Mohan prepares by fervently updating the Weather Channel and mentally practicing his conversions from Celsius to Fahrenheit, as well as keeping a running loop of SportsCenter on his TV whenever he has nothing else to do.

Social

Woman Grieves Engagement Of The Only Feminist Guy In Her Friend Group

Written by Rani Shah

December 29th, 2016

WALTHAM, MA – While 24 year old Shreya Rahman is in no rush to tie the knot, she can’t help but mourn the loss of her only feminist, brown, guy friend’s single status.

Her friend, 26 year old Chirag Gandhi, got engaged last week – destroying any hope that him and his reportedly ‘basic’ girlfriend are ever breaking up.

According to Ms. Rahman, Mr. Gandhi is the only brown guy she’s met who’s masculinity isn’t threatened by whether his wife makes more money than him, isn’t squeamish about discussing menstrual periods, treats his younger sister like a person – not an overprotected puppy, and actually helps his mom with household chores instead of halfheartedly asking if she needs help and never actually getting up.

Upon asking her girl friends how they felt about Ms. Rahman’s grieving period, they had this to say, “Honestly, Shreya seriously needs to get out more. Most of her guy friends still go home just to eat Indian food and have basically become their fathers. There are more feminist brown dudes out there than she thinks and they’re awesome.”