Tag: south asian

news

Local Aunties Arrested Over Alleged Assault Following Gift Exchange

Written by Akshay Patel

February 3rd, 2017

BARRINGTON, IL – Two aunties in their mid-forties were arrested and both charged with assault (and one with attempted robbery) after a dispute last weekend.  

The incident occurred after a relatively uneventful family gathering.

“I was shoveling my driveway when my neighbor began fighting with one of her guests and tried to steal her purse”, said John Sherman, a perplexed bystander who initially called 911. “I was very confused, as my neighbor seems to be doing well financially and is normally very calm.”

Fuss Class News contacted one of the Barrington aunties involved in the altercation. “That bloody woman always gives too much money to my son every holiday so I gave it back to her…but then I saw her slipping it into his pocket a few minutes later,” the auntie stated. “I don’t know if it was the extra masala in my chai that morning, but I wasn’t having it and we got a little carried when I tried to put the money into her purse after she repeatedly refused to take it back.”

Barrington police issued a statement shortly after the charges were dropped: “In regards to the incident in question, charges have been dropped by both parties. The arrest seems to be our misinterpretation of a cultural norm. An apology has been issued, and our department has hired a cultural consultant from a local Mandir to ensure our training is up to date.”

 

beauty, Social

Local Eyebrow Lady Destroys Self-Esteem By Always Asking, “Upper Lip?”

AURORA, IL – Earlier this week, 23-year-old Sara Khan arrived at Zeenat Salon to get her eyebrows threaded. It had been 3 weeks since her last threading and her selfies were no longer packing the punch they usually did. Continue reading “Local Eyebrow Lady Destroys Self-Esteem By Always Asking, “Upper Lip?”” →

Social

Chinese Student Questions Ethnicity Based On Report Card Results

Written by Joseph Z Chen

January 26th, 2017

SAN JOSE, CA – “I don’t understand. I didn’t think this was possible”, remarked Jason Wong as he opened his report card.

When Mr. Wong saw the big “A-” next to his high school Calculus II course, he was at a loss for words. After he overcame his initial shock, his mind raced with possible explanations. The final conclusion? He had to be adopted.

“I mean, everyone jokes about how Asian kids are good at math, but this is one stereotype that is actually supposed to be true!”, said Mr. Wong, “I think my parents have been lying to me this whole time. I must not be Chinese at all.”

Mr. Wong points to further evidence, claiming that despite studying the piano for 10+ years, he has yet to place in any national piano competitions. Allegedly, he also likes eating beans.

When Jason confronted his parents, Wei and Alice Wong, they were equally perplexed.

“I labored for 42 hours, 18 minutes, and 32 seconds. I think I would have remembered if he was adopted. He must have been switched at birth. That’s the only explanation.”, exclaimed Mrs. Wong.

Jason always wanted to become a doctor or lawyer but he’s no longer so certain. With his identity shaken to its core, this high school student doesn’t even know if he wants to attend grad school anymore.

“I just don’t know who I am. If I’m not good at math, who am I?”

Social

Family Relationships Strained While Choreographing Dance For Aunt’s Wedding

Written by Rani Shah

January 12th, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – After creating the 4 minute Bollywood dance mix for their Aunt Shreya’s wedding, the Sharma cousins were finally ready to begin practicing.

During dance practice in the basement on Tuesday evening, a distant aunt visiting from New Jersey noticed how her 8-year old daughter wasn’t included in the cousins wedding dance.

“Why isn’t Reshma in this?”, asked Preeti masi, “Why are you trying to purposely exclude  her?”

The Sharma cousins looked at one another until their oldest cousin said, “We didn’t even know Reshma wanted to be in the dance. Wait…is she even here?” All the cousins suddenly realized that they hadn’t even seen Reshma the last few days.

“This is typical. You guys just like to leave her out of everything! Similar to what all your mom’s did to me as a child”, exclaimed Preeti masi.

As the other adults came downstairs to see what the noise was all about, the Sharma cousins noticed their little cousin Reshma silently mouthing, “Please don’t make me dance” from across the room, under the coffee table, hiding from her mom.

Social

Man Takes Dil Mil Date To Bar With Sports Playing On Television

Written by Rani Shah

January 7th, 2017

BOSTON, MA – Earlier this week, 25 year old Karthik Patel had successfully set up a day to meet a girl he had been messaging on popular South Asian dating app, Dil Mil.

“Kk see you Friday!” read the text he received from 24 year old Priya Sharma. Mr. Patel suggested that he and Ms. Sharma meet up at a local bar for a drink. He had been there once and the ambiance was ‘chill enough’ for a date.

Upon her arrival, Ms. Sharma realized, to her dismay, that the bar which Mr. Patel had chosen had several televisions all with various ESPN networks being shown.

While talking about how much they ‘love travel’ and how Mr. Patel goes home every weekend to get Indian food from his mom, Ms. Sharma appreciated that he had barely glanced at SportsCenter being shown on the TV behind her. An hour and half later, Ms. Sharma politely left and told Mr. Patel that she had had a “really good time.”

Upon asking Ms. Sharma how she felt about the date she said, “He was cool! Cute and actually really funny. Plus he didn’t talk about how he wants to get an MBA the entire time – better than most dates I’ve been on.”

“She was super chill and smart. I think I’ll ask her to watch the Pat’s game at my friends place next week”, remarked Mr. Patel.

business, news

Indian Meal Kit Service, Namaste Fresh, Aims to Impress In-Laws

Written by Karen Desai

January 7th, 2017

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Launched this year, Namaste Fresh is an ethnic meal-kit service that delivers a box of Indian recipes along with all the pre-packaged masala and ingredients needed to whip up “homemade” South Asian meals (including complex Jain recipes).

“Millennials today are dependent on food delivery and meal kits. But, millennial Indian women are still expected to impress their in-laws by making homemade Indian food from scratch. But, seriously, how am I supposed to do that? ” said 27 year old, Sonia Gupta.

Namaste Fresh has promised to help the new generation of Indian-American consumers like Ms. Gupta and has built its entire service around the tagline “Fake It To Make It With Your In-laws.”

With its largest customer bases in Edison, NJ; Naperville, IL; and Phoenix, AZ, this South Asian food service is in high demand – with usage spiking during the holiday season, otherwise known as the peak season to impress families.

Experts say the popularity of the ethnic meal-kit is due to a combination of on-demand services, an influx of immigrants to the U.S, American Born Confused Desis (ABCDs), and the busy schedules of a new breed of working women.

Social

White Neighbors Shocked At South Asian Family’s Lack of Accent

Written by Rani Shah

January 3rd, 2017

DETROIT, MI – It was a sunny afternoon when the Chowdary family moved into their new home nestled in the Detroit suburbs. Ashwin and Neema Chowdary, along with their 3 young children, decided that a larger home was needed to allow a family of five to have all the space they needed.

Upon moving in, Mr. and Mrs. Chowdary paid their new neighbors a visit along with some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Not only were their neighbors grateful for the kind gesture, they were also taken aback at the Chowdary family’s lack of exotic accent.

“This is like nothing I expected. If Raj from The Big Bang Theory and Apu from The Simpsons has taught me anything it’s what to expect when you actually meet an Indian family”, remarked their neighbor, Craig Thompson. His wife, Sharon Thompson, was equally confused, “They wear jeans and don’t have an accent! I even saw their kids playing football in the backyard. Also, are these cookies going to be spicy?”

When asked, Mrs. Chowdary had this to say, “Both Ashwin and I were born and raised in Chicago. Other than the occasional Ditka impression, what accent were they expecting?”

news, Social

Teenager Wears Ripped Jeans To Family Party

Written by Rani Shah 

December 28th, 2016

COLUMBUS, OH – As the annual holiday family party approached, 17-year old Reshma Gupta picked out the perfect outfit: A cute top, jeans, and some nice flats.

Having gotten 186 likes on Instagram for making that outfit her #ootd, Ms. Gupta was fairly confident in her look. While getting ready, she opted to switch out her regular skinny jeans for her brand new ‘distressed’ pair inspired by Kylie Jenner with tasteful tears at the knees. While Ms. Gupta’s parents lamented that she will “freeze to death in this weather wearing jeans like that” during the whopping 10 ft. walk from the car to the garage, she stuck to her outfit choice.

Upon arriving to the family party, Ms. Gupta grabbed a Styrofoam plate and while carefully picking out the least soggy samosa she was approached by that annoying kid Mihir’s* mom, Preeti aunty.

“Oh beta, looks like you’ll need to get a job and buy jeans with no holes in them!”, giggled Preeti aunty, “Can you believe people pay to buy damaged clothing?”, she asked a nearby aunty.

Ms. Gupta simply fake smiled and nodded in response to the overdone, non-original comments.

*Mihir was unavailable to comment – he was too busy talking to the uncle’s about what the rankings the universities he got into were and how ‘he’s just waiting on scholarship info’ when everyone knows he’s staying in-state because he still doesn’t know how to do laundry.

 

Science

Study Shows Indian/Pakistani Drama Soundtracks May Cause Anxiety Disorders

Written by Akshay Patel

December 23rd, 2016

BETHESDA, MD – Ever come home for winter break after a stressful bout of finals awaiting a stress free environment filled with Pani Puri and Bollywood classics only to be greeted by your Dadi (grandmother) watching the most dramatic sounding drama ever produced?

Well, you’re not alone. Recently, researchers at the NIH have discovered a strong correlation between hearing the soundtracks played during dramatic scenes on modern Indian/Pakistani dramas and the manifestation of anxiety disorder among South Asian youth.

“It’s a common problem as these scenes have become very long.” stated Dr. Patel. “Just the other day I saw an episode of Saraswatichandra and the camera panned from Auntie to Dadi to Dada, and back to Auntie – only to continue the cycle repeatedly for two minutes.”

Dr. Patel recommends taking preventative measures to reduce the effects. “There are always the options of lowering the volume or changing the channel, but if all else fails do not be afraid to tell your grandparents something drastic in order to catch their attention and eventually turn off the TV – like telling them that you’re dating a white person.”