Scientists Stumped: White People Able To Sing ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’; Continue Mispronouncing South Asian First Names

Written By Rani Shah

November 11th, 2017

 

ROCHESTER, MN – Medical professionals and scientists at the Mayo Clinic recently concluded their 15-year linguistics study concerning American speech patterns.

“After more than a decade of research, we’ve come up short in terms of finding an answer,” says Dr. Vinaya Joshi, “Test after test we see Mary Poppins’ ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ being sung perfectly but as soon as we ask our white subjects to pronounce their coworker’s name it’s game over.  Names like ‘Arti‘ and ‘Abhijeet‘ seem to light up parts of the brain usually associated with confusion.”

Fuss Class News (FCN) inquired about this sudden shift in linguistics. For decades we’ve seen foods such as quesadilla, jalapeno, mozzarella, linguine, prosciutto, or kombucha be seamlessly used and pronounced correctly in mainstream American conversation.

Not just foods, but names such as Schwarzenegger, Tchaikovsky, or McConaughey are household name spoken with ease.

We inquired with Dr. Joshi about this ‘selective pronunciation’ phenomenon.

She responded, “That’s essentially the basis of the study, we wanted to understand why ‘Nikhil’ becomes nickel or how ‘Kinnari’ becomes canary – even after being corrected multiple times it’s as if it’s not registering.”

Dr. Joshi’s associate, Dr. Rakesh Tiwari added, “My advice? Just name your kid Raj.”

 

[ReadWhite Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

Studies Show White People Will Never Be Able To Stop Talking About How Colorful Indian Weddings Are.

Written by Rani Shah

October 16th, 2017

 

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As wedding season comes to a close, Brians and Madisons everywhere are floored by the spectacle that is a traditional Indian wedding.

NYU’s Anthropology Dean, Smita Rao, explains this phenomenon, “In the early 90’s we definitely saw a surge of White Americans attending South Asian weddings. Now with the prevalence of social media and the Bollywood dance craze exposing more of Indian culture, it’s like white people have never seen colors in their life before.”

While 4-5 days of wedding events and guest lists averaging at 400 guests/event at South Asian weddings is staggering in itself, researchers claim that merely seeing a man with glitter on his outfit will get white people going for months.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. The colors. I mean everyone was wearing a different color. I saw pink. I saw blue. I saw parrot green. I didn’t even know these existed.” raved Brian Applebaum, “I was medically diagnosed as colorblind before attending Aakash’s wedding to be quite honest.”

“I wear a tan cardigan to work every day,” added Madison Applebaum, “After Aakash’s color bender I’m considering wearing something exotic instead – perhaps a polka dotted cardigan.”

[ReadWhite Man Tries To Relate To South Asian Coworker By Mentioning Chicken Tikka Masala]

Girl Enters Temple on Her Period; Nothing Happens

CHICAGO, IL – “Visiting friends, enjoying the food served by the temple, and having the chance to meditate” are just a few reasons the Mehta’s cite as to what they look forward to every Diwali season at their Chicago temple. Continue reading “Girl Enters Temple on Her Period; Nothing Happens”

Trump Appoints Sholay’s Gabbar Singh As U.S. Secretary of Defense

[Originally published in Brown Girl Magazine]

WASHINGTON D.C – As tensions with North Korea and the United States continue to rise, President Trump has taken it upon himself rearrange U.S. Department of Defense by firing yet another cabinet member, General James Mattis. Continue reading “Trump Appoints Sholay’s Gabbar Singh As U.S. Secretary of Defense”

Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.

BALTIMORE, MD – With the 18th wedding this summer, Blaze, the white stallion, has endured another summer spent on a black tar, suburban parking lot. Continue reading “Baraat Horse ‘done with this shit’. Decides To Pursue Law School.”

Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner

LAS VEGAS, NV – The waiter had finished naming off the Chef’s Specials and asked the table if they needed a few minutes before beginning their drink order. Continue reading “Grown Woman Nervous To Order ‘Sex on the Beach’ During Family Dinner”

‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ Found To Be Primary Reason For Wedding Reception Attendance

LONDON, EN – With wedding season in North America reaching its peak during the summer months, researchers have honed in on patterns occurring at most Indian-American weddings. Continue reading “‘Mundian To Bach Ke’ Found To Be Primary Reason For Wedding Reception Attendance”