7 Samosas That Are Better Than You

1. Namrata Aunty’s: Look at that finesse. That samosa is draped better than your saris. Do you even know how to make pleats?

2. Gayatri Aunty’s: Oh that color. That light shimmer of brown. Lighter than you. Why do you keep going out into the sun?

3. Kriti Aunty’s: Made to the perfect height. Tall, commanding, elegant. Not like you, a little stump. Why didn’t you play on the monkey bars more as a kid?

4. Shanti Aunty’s: So petite. Just two-bite sized. Not towering over men, like you. Why did you have to play basketball?

5. Saba Aunty’s: Those beautiful curves. Filling in all the right places. So feminine. Why are you like a board?

6. Hiral Aunty’s: So slim and trim. And elegant. Knows when to stop eating. Why do you have this cantaloupe for a stomach?

7. Lata Aunty’s: Now that’s a samosa. That samosa just married a Wharton MBA startup founder and graduated Harvard Medical school. Her complexion is so light, people can see through her. That samosa is so perfectly proportioned that every piece of clothing in the world fits her. That samosa has a perfectly spiced aloo filling, with just the right sprinkling of peas, and just happily moved into a joint family. She writes poetry in Sanskrit. She had a 3 day long, continuous arangetram. She’s already planned her kids’ first birthday parties. That samosa made 300 samosas for the Durga Puja — by hand. While working a 24 shift. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A DAUGHTER? ARE YOU EVEN FILLED WITH PEAS AND POTATOES!?

[Read: 5 Reasons Why You Can’t Find Food At Your Parent’s House]