Tag: news

Science

Study Shows Indian/Pakistani Drama Soundtracks May Cause Anxiety Disorders

Written by Akshay Patel

December 23rd, 2016

BETHESDA, MD – Ever come home for winter break after a stressful bout of finals awaiting a stress free environment filled with Pani Puri and Bollywood classics only to be greeted by your Dadi (grandmother) watching the most dramatic sounding drama ever produced?

Well, you’re not alone. Recently, researchers at the NIH have discovered a strong correlation between hearing the soundtracks played during dramatic scenes on modern Indian/Pakistani dramas and the manifestation of anxiety disorder among South Asian youth.

“It’s a common problem as these scenes have become very long.” stated Dr. Patel. “Just the other day I saw an episode of Saraswatichandra and the camera panned from Auntie to Dadi to Dada, and back to Auntie – only to continue the cycle repeatedly for two minutes.”

Dr. Patel recommends taking preventative measures to reduce the effects. “There are always the options of lowering the volume or changing the channel, but if all else fails do not be afraid to tell your grandparents something drastic in order to catch their attention and eventually turn off the TV – like telling them that you’re dating a white person.”

Social

‘Woke’ College Student Realizes Favorite Bollywood Movies Are Sexist

 Written by Akshay Patel

December 23rd, 2016

maine

GLENBARD, IL – When it comes to our memories of childhood Bollywood movies our impressions are usually similar to the sentiment they conveyed – joyful and hope inspiring.

One Indian college student however, has realized it was all a lie. “How can I appreciate the song and dance when all I can think about is the patriarchy?”, said our student. (She wishes to be kept anonymous, as she worries about attracting negative attention from local aunties.)

“It’s just so shocking to realize how disappointed Beyoncé would be of me”, she lamented. “I think I’m going to have to switch my Bollywood movie nights to Disney nights. Nothing beats Sleeping Beauty or The Little Mermaid.”

 

beauty

Daughter With Hair On Arms Gets Engaged To Great Guy; Family Confused

Written by Rani Shah

December 23rd, 2016

NEW YORK, NY – Last week, 28 year old Jay Patel got down on one knee in picturesque Central Park and popped the question to his girlfriend, 27 year old Rima Desai.

Having met at a garba 3 years prior, Jay and Rima describe their relationship as, ‘loving, quirky, and honest.’ While Jay sings praises of his now fiancé , Rima always had her doubts about whether Jay would fall for her.

“Growing up, aunties would always ask why I haven’t gotten my arms waxed yet. I was told how no boy would like me but then Jay came along. He looked past my grotesque deformity and loved me for me!”, says Rima.

The couple celebrated their engagement with a family dinner in Manhattan where many family members were overjoyed, while some remained confused.

Rima’s distant family friend, Preeti Auntie had this to say, “Is she never getting her arms waxed? Do boys not have standards any longer? Sure she’s a successful attorney, fantastic artist, and major philanthropist,  but how can her arms land such a great guy?”

 

Science

Scientists Discover Indian Cooking Method Which Leaves No Trace of Smell On Clothing

Written by Rani Shah

December 23rd, 2016

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists at the University of Chicago’s Olfactory Department have discovered an unprecedented method for cooking Indian food earlier this week – one that essentially guarantees no residual smells on clothing after a family dinner.

The cooking technique, commonly called the “The Fan Method”, involves turning the exhaust fan on while cooking a meal – something many families are currently not aware of.

“It’s awesome, my white friends have finally stopped making fun of me on the bus”, says local 4th grader, Raj Shah.

In extreme cases, such as when frying puri or fish, scientists urge homeowners to purchase two exhaust fans and alert their children to donate all their remaining clothing to Goodwill.