DES MOINES, IA – This Valentines Day, the Patel family decided to pass the evening with a family movie night after dinner. As usual, they sat in their basement home theater and popped in the latest Bollywood Blockbuster that their family friend, Preeti aunty, described as, “very different and good. A must watch!” Continue reading “Family Fast Forwards Through Bollywood Kiss Scene; Enjoys Item Girl Song”
CHICAGO, IL – Last Wednesday night, the Gupta family of Schaumburg, Ill. ventured out at 8:15 pm to their neighborhood Taco Bell. However, it wasn’t the new Naked Chicken Chalupa that they were after. Continue reading “South Asian Family Makes Taco Bell Trip To Urgently Replenish FIRE Sauce”
PASADENA, CA – As 5-year-old Rohit Roy plays with his friends on the playground, his parents Jyoti and Dilip Roy watch in dismay.
Rohit, an extraordinarily gifted boy, was recently invited to compete in The State of California Spelling Championship – the winners of which are invited to The Scripps National Spelling Bee. After conquering words such as ‘prestidigitation’ and ‘mononuclidic’ he finished 3rd overall.
“He couldn’t win the state spelling bee,” says Mrs. Roy dejectedly. “Our eldest son, Ramesh, was able to win Scripps three years ago!” exclaims Mr. Roy, “I don’t know how Rohit will be competitive for MIT now with this setback.”
When FCN asked about his thoughts on the whole spelling bee experience, Rohit simply said, “I like trucks,” and swung away on the monkey bars.
Written by Rohan Shah
February 3rd, 2017
Written by Akshay Patel
February 3rd, 2017
BARRINGTON, IL – Two aunties in their mid-forties were arrested and both charged with assault (and one with attempted robbery) after a dispute last weekend.
The incident occurred after a relatively uneventful family gathering.
“I was shoveling my driveway when my neighbor began fighting with one of her guests and tried to steal her purse”, said John Sherman, a perplexed bystander who initially called 911. “I was very confused, as my neighbor seems to be doing well financially and is normally very calm.”
Fuss Class News contacted one of the Barrington aunties involved in the altercation. “That bloody woman always gives too much money to my son every holiday so I gave it back to her…but then I saw her slipping it into his pocket a few minutes later,” the auntie stated. “I don’t know if it was the extra masala in my chai that morning, but I wasn’t having it and we got a little carried when I tried to put the money into her purse after she repeatedly refused to take it back.”
Barrington police issued a statement shortly after the charges were dropped: “In regards to the incident in question, charges have been dropped by both parties. The arrest seems to be our misinterpretation of a cultural norm. An apology has been issued, and our department has hired a cultural consultant from a local Mandir to ensure our training is up to date.”
Written by Joseph Z Chen
January 26th, 2017
SAN JOSE, CA – “I don’t understand. I didn’t think this was possible”, remarked Jason Wong as he opened his report card.
When Mr. Wong saw the big “A-” next to his high school Calculus II course, he was at a loss for words. After he overcame his initial shock, his mind raced with possible explanations. The final conclusion? He had to be adopted.
“I mean, everyone jokes about how Asian kids are good at math, but this is one stereotype that is actually supposed to be true!”, said Mr. Wong, “I think my parents have been lying to me this whole time. I must not be Chinese at all.”
Mr. Wong points to further evidence, claiming that despite studying the piano for 10+ years, he has yet to place in any national piano competitions. Allegedly, he also likes eating beans.
When Jason confronted his parents, Wei and Alice Wong, they were equally perplexed.
“I labored for 42 hours, 18 minutes, and 32 seconds. I think I would have remembered if he was adopted. He must have been switched at birth. That’s the only explanation.”, exclaimed Mrs. Wong.
Jason always wanted to become a doctor or lawyer but he’s no longer so certain. With his identity shaken to its core, this high school student doesn’t even know if he wants to attend grad school anymore.
“I just don’t know who I am. If I’m not good at math, who am I?”
Written by Joseph Z Chen
January 23rd, 2017
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “It’s really annoying”, complained Tony Lin.
“We keep telling people we’re identical twins but nobody seems to believe us”, said Andy Lin.
This is a problem that identical twin brothers, Tony and Andy Lin, encounter all the time. Whenever they go to parties together and introduce themselves as twins, people just don’t believe them.
“I mean, I’m not racist, okay? I can tell the difference between two Asian people. They don’t all look alike”, said one partygoer, who insisted on remaining anonymous.
“Look, look, take a look at Tony”, he said while pointing at Andy. “Clearly he has blacker hair and his eyes are a little more narrow.”
As of late, Tony and Andy have stopped mentioning their sibling relationship. However, they continue to find themselves in uncomfortable situations, being mistaken for one another. In fact, Andy once had a heated make-out session with Tony’s girlfriend of 6 months, who also does not believe they are twin brothers.
“She came at me out of nowhere and before I knew it, we were kissing. Rather than awkwardly explaining that I wasn’t Tony, I just rolled with it”, said Andy.
When asked about that incident, Tony replied, “Andy’s cool like that. If she had known, it would only hurt her. She prides herself in being ‘color blind’ and accepting of all cultures.”
There are some upsides, though. The Lin brothers can grab as many free samples as they want at Costco without anyone accusing of them going for seconds.
Written by Rani Shah
January 12th, 2017
CHICAGO, IL – After creating the 4 minute Bollywood dance mix for their Aunt Shreya’s wedding, the Sharma cousins were finally ready to begin practicing.
During dance practice in the basement on Tuesday evening, a distant aunt visiting from New Jersey noticed how her 8-year old daughter wasn’t included in the cousins wedding dance.
“Why isn’t Reshma in this?”, asked Preeti masi, “Why are you trying to purposely exclude her?”
The Sharma cousins looked at one another until their oldest cousin said, “We didn’t even know Reshma wanted to be in the dance. Wait…is she even here?” All the cousins suddenly realized that they hadn’t even seen Reshma the last few days.
“This is typical. You guys just like to leave her out of everything! Similar to what all your mom’s did to me as a child”, exclaimed Preeti masi.
As the other adults came downstairs to see what the noise was all about, the Sharma cousins noticed their little cousin Reshma silently mouthing, “Please don’t make me dance” from across the room, under the coffee table, hiding from her mom.
Written by Karen Desai
January 7th, 2017
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Launched this year, Namaste Fresh is an ethnic meal-kit service that delivers a box of Indian recipes along with all the pre-packaged masala and ingredients needed to whip up “homemade” South Asian meals (including complex Jain recipes).
“Millennials today are dependent on food delivery and meal kits. But, millennial Indian women are still expected to impress their in-laws by making homemade Indian food from scratch. But, seriously, how am I supposed to do that? ” said 27 year old, Sonia Gupta.
Namaste Fresh has promised to help the new generation of Indian-American consumers like Ms. Gupta and has built its entire service around the tagline “Fake It To Make It With Your In-laws.”
With its largest customer bases in Edison, NJ; Naperville, IL; and Phoenix, AZ, this South Asian food service is in high demand – with usage spiking during the holiday season, otherwise known as the peak season to impress families.
Experts say the popularity of the ethnic meal-kit is due to a combination of on-demand services, an influx of immigrants to the U.S, American Born Confused Desis (ABCDs), and the busy schedules of a new breed of working women.
Written by Rani Shah
December 28th, 2016
COLUMBUS, OH – As the annual holiday family party approached, 17-year old Reshma Gupta picked out the perfect outfit: A cute top, jeans, and some nice flats.
Having gotten 186 likes on Instagram for making that outfit her #ootd, Ms. Gupta was fairly confident in her look. While getting ready, she opted to switch out her regular skinny jeans for her brand new ‘distressed’ pair inspired by Kylie Jenner with tasteful tears at the knees. While Ms. Gupta’s parents lamented that she will “freeze to death in this weather wearing jeans like that” during the whopping 10 ft. walk from the car to the garage, she stuck to her outfit choice.
Upon arriving to the family party, Ms. Gupta grabbed a Styrofoam plate and while carefully picking out the least soggy samosa she was approached by that annoying kid Mihir’s* mom, Preeti aunty.
“Oh beta, looks like you’ll need to get a job and buy jeans with no holes in them!”, giggled Preeti aunty, “Can you believe people pay to buy damaged clothing?”, she asked a nearby aunty.
Ms. Gupta simply fake smiled and nodded in response to the overdone, non-original comments.
*Mihir was unavailable to comment – he was too busy talking to the uncle’s about what the rankings the universities he got into were and how ‘he’s just waiting on scholarship info’ when everyone knows he’s staying in-state because he still doesn’t know how to do laundry.