Category: news

Trump Frustrated By PM Narendra Modi’s ‘Complicated Name’; Decides To Call Him ‘Ned’

Written by Rani Shah

January 29th, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – With recent developments surrounding questionable immigration and refugee policy, President Trump has begun communicating with world leaders on a more regular basis.

The Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi, is one such leader who has been in touch with Trump. Upon meeting, the Prime Minister had no issue pronouncing ‘Donald Trump’ – as Donald Duck is a favorite of Modi.

President Trump, however, has had multiple issues pronouncing the Prime Minister’s name. While it is only 3 syllables, Trump’s obvious speech and developmental disabilities has prevented him from properly pronouncing ‘Narendra’.

Even though small children in India can easily pronounce the Prime Minister’s name, President Trump did the usual and decided that “The White way is the right way” and now calls the Prime Minister ‘Ned’.

When asked, President Trump had the following to say, “Ned’s a great guy lemme tell ya – real champion and total inspiration for the Pakistani people….oh he’s not the PM of Pakistan? Wait he’s brown though, aren’t they all the same?”

White Saree Demand Skyrockets As South Asians Mourn America’s Future

Written by Rani Shah

January 23rd, 2017

WASHINGTON D.C – The recent presidential inauguration of Donald Trump has spurred on an unconventional trend within the textile industry. White saree’s, commonly worn in the South Asian community during funerals and mourning periods, have seen a marked increase in demand since Friday’s presidential inauguration.

The last time white saree sales saw an increase was in the 1950’s due to deaths brought on by polio.

graph-trump

(Graph provided by our Fuss Class analyst, Utsav Shah)

“It’s uncanny, the demand has nearly surpassed supply.”, remarks Professor Neha Singh, “The level to which factory workers are making fabric might force Indian manufacturers to import from China.”

Fuss Class News reached out to the Trump Administration for further comment but did not receive a reply due to their fear of brown people and their lack of understanding surrounding basic communication skills.

 

 

 

 

Asian Twins Can’t Convince Strangers That They’re Actually Twins

Written by Joseph Z Chen

January 23rd, 2017

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “It’s really annoying”, complained Tony Lin.

“We keep telling people we’re identical twins but nobody seems to believe us”, said Andy Lin.

This is a problem that identical twin brothers, Tony and Andy Lin, encounter all the time.  Whenever they go to parties together and introduce themselves as twins, people just don’t believe them.

“I mean, I’m not racist, okay? I can tell the difference between two Asian people. They don’t all look alike”, said one partygoer, who insisted on remaining anonymous.

“Look, look, take a look at Tony”, he said while pointing at Andy.  “Clearly he has blacker hair and his eyes are a little more narrow.”

As of late, Tony and Andy have stopped mentioning their sibling relationship.  However, they continue to find themselves in uncomfortable situations, being mistaken for one another. In fact, Andy once had a heated make-out session with Tony’s girlfriend of 6 months, who also does not believe they are twin brothers.

“She came at me out of nowhere and before I knew it, we were kissing. Rather than awkwardly explaining that I wasn’t Tony, I just rolled with it”, said Andy.

When asked about that incident, Tony replied, “Andy’s cool like that. If she had known, it would only hurt her. She prides herself in being ‘color blind’ and accepting of all cultures.”

There are some upsides, though. The Lin brothers can grab as many free samples as they want at Costco without anyone accusing of them going for seconds.

Indian Meal Kit Service, Namaste Fresh, Aims to Impress In-Laws

Written by Karen Desai

January 7th, 2017

NEW YORK CITY, NYLaunched this year, Namaste Fresh is an ethnic meal-kit service that delivers a box of Indian recipes along with all the pre-packaged masala and ingredients needed to whip up “homemade” South Asian meals (including complex Jain recipes).

“Millennials today are dependent on food delivery and meal kits. But, millennial Indian women are still expected to impress their in-laws by making homemade Indian food from scratch. But, seriously, how am I supposed to do that? ” said 27 year old, Sonia Gupta.

Namaste Fresh has promised to help the new generation of Indian-American consumers like Ms. Gupta and has built its entire service around the tagline “Fake It To Make It With Your In-laws.

With its largest customer bases in Edison, NJ; Naperville, IL; and Phoenix, AZ, this South Asian food service is in high demand – with usage spiking during the holiday season, otherwise known as the peak season to impress families.

Experts say the popularity of the ethnic meal-kit is due to a combination of on-demand services, an influx of immigrants to the U.S, American Born Confused Desis (ABCDs), and the busy schedules of a new breed of working women.

Indian Businessmen Looking To Maintain Tax Incentives Moved By Trump’s Hindi Ad

Written by Utsav Gandhi

December 28th, 2016

JERSEY CITY, NJ – Donald Trump’s attempts to reach across the cultural divide and appeal to the Indian-American community have found resonance with several Indian-American businessmen. In a video ad* that is both parts strange and fully playable on loop, Trump has essentially copied the successful campaign slogan of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi (a strong favorite among NRI’s) – “Ab ki baar, Trump sarkar” (this time, a Trump government).

Upon request via Twitter, an undisclosed source close to the President-elect has confirmed that Mr. Trump only took seventeen retakes before feeling his diction and accent to be in the range of authentic. The source also hinted that while Mr. Trump has met several Bollywood celebrities and has even offered hospitality at his hotels for the next IIFA Awards (http://www.iifa.com/), he does not fully understand the meaning behind the phrase he is saying.

Lastly, the source asked, seemingly for an informal poll that the President-elect is himself conducting, as to where in New Delhi he could find the best butter chicken, for the next time he is to visit Mr. Modi. Suggestions can be tweeted to @TrumpTransition2017 with the hashtag #MakeButterChickenGreatAgain.

*The original “Ab ki baar, Trump sarkaar” ad was reported on by the Times of India (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/US-presidential-election-results-Abki-Baar-Trump-Sarkar/videoshow/55330489.cms) and can be viewed (on loop or otherwise) on their website.

Teenager Wears Ripped Jeans To Family Party

Written by Rani Shah 

December 28th, 2016

COLUMBUS, OH – As the annual holiday family party approached, 17-year old Reshma Gupta picked out the perfect outfit: A cute top, jeans, and some nice flats.

Having gotten 186 likes on Instagram for making that outfit her #ootd, Ms. Gupta was fairly confident in her look. While getting ready, she opted to switch out her regular skinny jeans for her brand new ‘distressed’ pair inspired by Kylie Jenner with tasteful tears at the knees. While Ms. Gupta’s parents lamented that she will “freeze to death in this weather wearing jeans like that” during the whopping 10 ft. walk from the car to the garage, she stuck to her outfit choice.

Upon arriving to the family party, Ms. Gupta grabbed a Styrofoam plate and while carefully picking out the least soggy samosa she was approached by that annoying kid Mihir’s* mom, Preeti aunty.

“Oh beta, looks like you’ll need to get a job and buy jeans with no holes in them!”, giggled Preeti aunty, “Can you believe people pay to buy damaged clothing?”, she asked a nearby aunty.

Ms. Gupta simply fake smiled and nodded in response to the overdone, non-original comments.

*Mihir was unavailable to comment – he was too busy talking to the uncle’s about what the rankings the universities he got into were and how ‘he’s just waiting on scholarship info’ when everyone knows he’s staying in-state because he still doesn’t know how to do laundry.

 

Family Receives Same Bath & Body Works Set They Had Re-Gifted Three Years Prior

Written by Rani Shah

December 25th, 2016

SEATTLE, WA – Early this Christmas morning, Alpa and Rajesh Chatterjee watched as their young children excitedly opened presents in the living room. While the children searched for more presents, Mrs. Chatterjee notices a boxy gift bag towards the back of the tree.

Upon inspection, the present is labelled “To Alpa and Rajesh” with a festive snowman drawn next to their names. Mr. Chatterjee recalls that the only other Indian family on the block had recently dropped the gift bag off.

Mrs. Chatterjee opened the bag and reportedly discovered a Japanese Cherry Blossom gift set from Bath & Body Works – complete with a lotion, bath wash, and that weird body mist spray that nobody ever takes seriously. She also noticed a familiar looking gift tag which had been mostly scratched off the surface of the box.

“We received this same gift set from a neighbor when we moved into this house five years ago, I recognize the faded tag. I re-gifted it to a family friend’s daughter for her 4th birthday three years ago”, recalls Mrs. Chatterjee.

Mr. Chatterjee offered a quick solution, “Let’s just give it to my sister’s kids in India when we visit in February. They love that shit.”