Written by Rani Shah
February 7th, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C – Billionaire Betsy DeVos was confirmed as the United States Education Secretary yesterday morning after a tie breaking vote put forth by Vice President Mike Pence. DeVos, with no professional background in education, attending public school, or dealing with crippling student debt, has put families on edge regarding their children’s future.
Since DeVos’ confirmation, tutoring giant, Kumon, has seen a significant increase in registrations – close to 85%. A popular choice among South Asian families, it’s no surprise to analysts that the current political climate has caused such a phenomenon.
Fuss Class News reached out to Abbas Khan, a senior at Roosevelt High School and manager at the local Kumon, “After school we usually have 20 or 25 kids here doing their coursework”, remarked Mr.Khan, “But today, we had close to 75 parents waiting to register their kids.”
“This country still has institutions like Stanford and Harvard and I’ll be damned if my kids aren’t well prepared to be viable candidates”, said Manu Thomas, a parent waiting in line for Kumon registration. He added, “The Trump administration can do what they want with this country with whatever agenda they want to push, but at the end of the day my daughter won’t be a better scientist if she’s taught to deny climate change.”
January 29th, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C – With recent developments surrounding questionable immigration and refugee policy, President Trump has begun communicating with world leaders on a more regular basis.
The Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi, is one such leader who has been in touch with Trump. Upon meeting, the Prime Minister had no issue pronouncing ‘Donald Trump’ – as Donald Duck is a favorite of Modi.
President Trump, however, has had multiple issues pronouncing the Prime Minister’s name. While it is only 3 syllables, Trump’s obvious speech and developmental disabilities has prevented him from properly pronouncing ‘Narendra’.
Even though small children in India can easily pronounce the Prime Minister’s name, President Trump did the usual and decided that “The White way is the right way” and now calls the Prime Minister ‘Ned’.
When asked, President Trump had the following to say, “Ned’s a great guy lemme tell ya – real champion and total inspiration for the Pakistani people….oh he’s not the PM of Pakistan? Wait he’s brown though, aren’t they all the same?”
January 23rd, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C – The recent presidential inauguration of Donald Trump has spurred on an unconventional trend within the textile industry. White saree’s, commonly worn in the South Asian community during funerals and mourning periods, have seen a marked increase in demand since Friday’s presidential inauguration.
The last time white saree sales saw an increase was in the 1950’s due to deaths brought on by polio.
(Graph provided by our Fuss Class analyst, Utsav Shah)
“It’s uncanny, the demand has nearly surpassed supply.”, remarks Professor Neha Singh, “The level to which factory workers are making fabric might force Indian manufacturers to import from China.”
Fuss Class News reached out to the Trump Administration for further comment but did not receive a reply due to their fear of brown people and their lack of understanding surrounding basic communication skills.
January 12th, 2017
WASHINGTON D.C – As President Barack Obama counts down to his last days in office, the Indian-American community across the nation is engaged in a curious debate. Will President Obama take a cue from his Indian counterpart, Prime Minister Narendra Modi, and de-legitimize (or “de-tender”) $50 and $100 currency notes, overnight and with immediate effect?
Prime Minister Modi gave Indians living in India and abroad until December 31, 2016 to declare their assets and exchange their old currency notes that were no longer valid. This left many Indian-Americans who weren’t planning to travel to India anytime soon in a state of flux.
As opposed to Prime Minister Modi’s intentions, which were to curb corruption and thwart counterfeiters among terrorist organizations, President Obama feels that enacting such legislation right now will be a wonderful opportunity for Mr. Trump to “drain the swamp” right away, a priority the President-elect has been claiming to tackle. The legislation could also allow Trump to prove himself to the almost 3 million voters who placed Hillary Clinton ahead in the popular vote during the presidential election.
One wonders what impact such an action could have on everyday Americans – according to sources, Mr. Trump’s youngest son, Barron, receives multiples of $100 in pocket money on a regular basis.
Trump’s foremost economic advisers, many with former Wall Street ties and corporate experience, declined to comment. Waiting instead for an official word from the President-elect (or, as is more generally known, the daily morning tweet).
December 28th, 2016
JERSEY CITY, NJ – Donald Trump’s attempts to reach across the cultural divide and appeal to the Indian-American community have found resonance with several Indian-American businessmen. In a video ad* that is both parts strange and fully playable on loop, Trump has essentially copied the successful campaign slogan of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi (a strong favorite among NRI’s) – “Ab ki baar, Trump sarkar” (this time, a Trump government).
Upon request via Twitter, an undisclosed source close to the President-elect has confirmed that Mr. Trump only took seventeen retakes before feeling his diction and accent to be in the range of authentic. The source also hinted that while Mr. Trump has met several Bollywood celebrities and has even offered hospitality at his hotels for the next IIFA Awards (http://www.iifa.com/), he does not fully understand the meaning behind the phrase he is saying.
Lastly, the source asked, seemingly for an informal poll that the President-elect is himself conducting, as to where in New Delhi he could find the best butter chicken, for the next time he is to visit Mr. Modi. Suggestions can be tweeted to @TrumpTransition2017 with the hashtag #MakeButterChickenGreatAgain.
*The original “Ab ki baar, Trump sarkaar” ad was reported on by the Times of India (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/US-presidential-election-results-Abki-Baar-Trump-Sarkar/videoshow/55330489.cms) and can be viewed (on loop or otherwise) on their website.