Tag: asian

Boy, Age 5, Disappoints Parents

PASADENA, CA – As 5-year-old Rohit Roy plays with his friends on the playground, his parents Jyoti and Dilip Roy watch in dismay.

Rohit, an extraordinarily gifted boy, was recently invited to compete in The State of California Spelling Championship – the winners of which are invited to The Scripps National Spelling Bee. After conquering words such as ‘prestidigitation’ and ‘mononuclidic’ he finished 3rd overall.

“He couldn’t win the state spelling bee,” says Mrs. Roy dejectedly. “Our eldest son, Ramesh, was able to win Scripps three years ago!” exclaims Mr. Roy, “I don’t know how Rohit will be competitive for MIT now with this setback.”

When FCN asked about his thoughts on the whole spelling bee experience, Rohit simply said, “I like trucks,” and swung away on the monkey bars.

Written by Rohan Shah

February 3rd, 2017

Local Aunties Arrested Over Alleged Assault Following Gift Exchange

Written by Akshay Patel

February 3rd, 2017

BARRINGTON, IL – Two aunties in their mid-forties were arrested and both charged with assault (and one with attempted robbery) after a dispute last weekend.  

The incident occurred after a relatively uneventful family gathering.

“I was shoveling my driveway when my neighbor began fighting with one of her guests and tried to steal her purse”, said John Sherman, a perplexed bystander who initially called 911. “I was very confused, as my neighbor seems to be doing well financially and is normally very calm.”

Fuss Class News contacted one of the Barrington aunties involved in the altercation. “That bloody woman always gives too much money to my son every holiday so I gave it back to her…but then I saw her slipping it into his pocket a few minutes later,” the auntie stated. “I don’t know if it was the extra masala in my chai that morning, but I wasn’t having it and we got a little carried when I tried to put the money into her purse after she repeatedly refused to take it back.”

Barrington police issued a statement shortly after the charges were dropped: “In regards to the incident in question, charges have been dropped by both parties. The arrest seems to be our misinterpretation of a cultural norm. An apology has been issued, and our department has hired a cultural consultant from a local Mandir to ensure our training is up to date.”

 

Chinese Student Questions Ethnicity Based On Report Card Results

Written by Joseph Z Chen

January 26th, 2017

SAN JOSE, CA – “I don’t understand. I didn’t think this was possible”, remarked Jason Wong as he opened his report card.

When Mr. Wong saw the big “A-” next to his high school Calculus II course, he was at a loss for words. After he overcame his initial shock, his mind raced with possible explanations. The final conclusion? He had to be adopted.

“I mean, everyone jokes about how Asian kids are good at math, but this is one stereotype that is actually supposed to be true!”, said Mr. Wong, “I think my parents have been lying to me this whole time. I must not be Chinese at all.”

Mr. Wong points to further evidence, claiming that despite studying the piano for 10+ years, he has yet to place in any national piano competitions. Allegedly, he also likes eating beans.

When Jason confronted his parents, Wei and Alice Wong, they were equally perplexed.

“I labored for 42 hours, 18 minutes, and 32 seconds. I think I would have remembered if he was adopted. He must have been switched at birth. That’s the only explanation.”, exclaimed Mrs. Wong.

Jason always wanted to become a doctor or lawyer but he’s no longer so certain. With his identity shaken to its core, this high school student doesn’t even know if he wants to attend grad school anymore.

“I just don’t know who I am. If I’m not good at math, who am I?”

Asian Twins Can’t Convince Strangers That They’re Actually Twins

Written by Joseph Z Chen

January 23rd, 2017

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “It’s really annoying”, complained Tony Lin.

“We keep telling people we’re identical twins but nobody seems to believe us”, said Andy Lin.

This is a problem that identical twin brothers, Tony and Andy Lin, encounter all the time.  Whenever they go to parties together and introduce themselves as twins, people just don’t believe them.

“I mean, I’m not racist, okay? I can tell the difference between two Asian people. They don’t all look alike”, said one partygoer, who insisted on remaining anonymous.

“Look, look, take a look at Tony”, he said while pointing at Andy.  “Clearly he has blacker hair and his eyes are a little more narrow.”

As of late, Tony and Andy have stopped mentioning their sibling relationship.  However, they continue to find themselves in uncomfortable situations, being mistaken for one another. In fact, Andy once had a heated make-out session with Tony’s girlfriend of 6 months, who also does not believe they are twin brothers.

“She came at me out of nowhere and before I knew it, we were kissing. Rather than awkwardly explaining that I wasn’t Tony, I just rolled with it”, said Andy.

When asked about that incident, Tony replied, “Andy’s cool like that. If she had known, it would only hurt her. She prides herself in being ‘color blind’ and accepting of all cultures.”

There are some upsides, though. The Lin brothers can grab as many free samples as they want at Costco without anyone accusing of them going for seconds.